Women in particular are masters of intuition and human psychology. They’re hard to fool in that sense. It’s humbling because you think you are fooling them with some bullshit you are pulling on them, but they often see right through you and call you out on it.
There’s no one who will ever figure you out like your girlfriend. She will see right through you and call out all bullshit and crap and lies. She will also figure out the true nature of your personality better than your therapist or even your own mother, who loves you too much in a different sense to ever tell you the truth about yourself. Your Mom is like your ego. She loves you so much that she’s willing to abide by all sorts of lies to think that you are the apple of her eye.
She will see right through your psyche and call it all out, the good and the bad, and trust me, she will not leave out the bad. She will tell you things about yourself that your own defenses had been denying to you, though they were obvious to everyone except you because you can’t see yourself.
I think this is particularly true if she is in love with you. Being in love really turns on that x-ray vision of theirs somehow.
And believe it or not, females with Borderline Personality Disorder are some of the finest experts at this ability to see right through you and figure you out. This has even been suggested theoretically, as clinicians have noticed that, while Borderlines are completely in the dark about themselves as all PD’s are, they somehow nevertheless are experts at figuring out other people.
I’ve had girlfriends point out:
1. My egotism or self-satisfaction as one described it (she didn’t like it either). And it was often described in precisely those words – ego or egotism – as opposed to arrogance or other nastier things. And if you ask me to change this, I will laugh right in your face and refuse to. If you tell me it’s screwing up in my life, I will shrug my shoulders and say so what.
It feels too good to like yourself this much. I’m not selfish about it and I try not to think I am superior (though this is difficult also). In fact, I’d love to share the wealth. I often think everyone should love themselves as much as I do.
2. That I am actually I am actually rather conservative of all things about my values and how I live my life despite this lie that I put out that I am some let it all hang out wild man. This is due to my introversion, which makes me cautious and rather freak-averse. Being freak-averse is uncool nowadays as we are supposed to worship freaks and weirdos like secular gods.
3. The fact that I am actually quite shy despite the big lie that I put out about being this freewheeling extrovert. I am often painfully shy, and both strangers and people who knew me have suggested that I have Social Phobia. I don’t have that diagnosis, but I can be pretty avoidant. That’s one of the worst parts of me, but it’s due to things other than Social Phobia. Anyway, ordinary shyness is often confused with Social Phobia.
But I am not that introverted, as true introverts marvel at my extroversion. For instance, I can definitely talk a lot, and true introverts are often like furniture. They sit there and don’t say anything for long periods of time, and you get frustrated with them because it seems like they literally have no psyche or at least not one that they want to share with anyone anyway. There’s literally nothing inside of them! Or so it seems.
I often walk right up to complete strangers of all ages and both genders and start talking to them, which lately is getting me in trouble now that feminists have made Talking to People Who Don’t Want You Talking to Them a crime.
I tell my mother, a true introvert, that I walk right up to total strangers and talk to them, and she is amazed and shocked and says she could never do that. But girlfriends have pointed out that my shyness is rather cute and touching in a way. That’s probably true too.
4. That I am an expert, glib, bullshitting, charming, and often hilarious liar, but a big fat liar nonetheless. In other words, that I am basically full of shit, which is sadly true. I’m not going to change this about myself either. It’s too much fun to be a slyly deceitful bad boy and put one over on the world, a world which I already hate anyway.
5. That I am actually not a 100% good person, and in truth, I am even a little bit evil. Only a little bit evil, sure, but I am evil nonetheless. I don’t feel like changing that either ha ha. Being a bit evil is too much fun. Some ex-girlfriends think I am pure evil; one said I was “the worst man on Earth,” which makes laugh proudly. They didn’t think that way when they were with me though, and I don’t agree that that’s a fair judgement.
6. That my sense of humor is rather childish. For instance, I often make funny faces while barely realizing it. Girlfriends often alternately LOL at these faces (which are pretty damn funny to tell the truth) or chide me for being an overgrown teenager, which I also am, tragically I suppose. I’m not going to change that either ha ha. Or maybe I will.
7. The fact that I have shut down my feelings so much that I almost seem to not have any feelings and appear like Spock on Star Trek or a literal rock. I do have feelings of course, and when young I had quite a range of feelings.
I shut them down starting in my early 20’s as a defense mechanism against immense pain I was experiencing. I’m not sad that I did it, but sometimes I long for my old feelings back. It’s especially bad because when you kill those intense bad feelings, you pay for it by killing off the intense good feelings too.
No free lunch, eh? You pay for everything in life. You pay for the good stuff with the bad stuff. Bad stuff is literally currency that we use to purchase those shiny, bright goblets of experience that make this shitshow all worthwhile.
I still have feelings, but they are rather muted, and they are more in my mind than in my body anyway. I took all the feelings out of my body and stuck them in my head, where they swim around and cause all sorts of troubles.
If you ever meet anyone who seems very shut down like this, there’s probably a reason for it – a good reason. For instance, they are probably doing that to protect themselves from pain, an avalanche of injury, a bottomless well of hurt. There’s a method to the madness, and there’s a reason, often a fairly good or at least understandable reason, for most everything in life. We think that all these things happen for no reason, but they just don’t. It’s a brutal revelation.
8. The fact that, while I am not a narcissist, nevertheless I can be horribly self-centered. This sometimes seems infuriating to others. Who do I want to talk about? Me. Who do I not want to talk about? You. Ha ha. I’m very sorry about that, and I actually would like to change this. I work on it all the time, but I have to consciously try to, which makes it difficult, not to mention it’s pretty baked in by now anyway.
9. The fact that I mix that a Jupiter-sized ego with truly tragic self-deprecation which often looks like out and out self-hatred. I have had girlfriends who were shocked and stunned at this aspect of me. It seems like I really love myself, but maybe that’s not the whole story.
Maybe in part I hate myself. I do hate certain parts of myself. I basically think that I am a fucktard in certain ways. I beat myself up for this all the time, and I am always trying to change it. But I just can’t seem to stop doing it. I guess the fucktardedness is cemented over by now too.
I will be somewhere, interacting with other people, trying to get outside of my fucktardedness and act like a normal human instead of a distracted space cadet genius with his head in the clouds. I will be chattering away faking being normal like I always do, and Mr. Fucktard comes knocking at the door in my brain.
Mr. Fucktard: Hi! It’s me! Your fucktarded part of yourself, and I’m here to fuck up your life LOL! Hope you have fun while I ruin whatever it is you are doing right now LOL!
Me: Shit. What are you doing here? I hate you so much I could strangle you with my bare hands, you little shit. Seriously, I want to murder you, you sonofabitch, and I will do it too, slit your throat as coldly as if I were eating a bowl of cereal!
Mr. Fucktard: LOL! Yeah, you dumbshit. You’ve been trying to kill me for decades now, and you just can’t because you’re too fucking lame LOL.
Catch me if you can, you bastard! No matter how fast you run trying to chase me, as soon as you catch up to me, I’ll be in front of you again as fast as that! I’m like your fears. You can’t outrun me.
Hell, maybe I am your idiotic fears you never got rid of, you fool LOL! You can’t get rid of me! I’ll be hanging around you until you die, gleefully ruining everything you do. Why? Just for shits and giggles and because I hate you.
Why do I hate you? Because you’re a stupid fucking asshole, that’s why LOL! I’ll never quit. Hell, I’ll probably keep trying to ruin you after you die! I’ll haunt your silly corpse, dumbass! LOL!
10. The fact that I am actually serious, even very, very serious, as in dead serious. I think I am this flippant fun guy – funny guy, but maybe it’s not so true.
Yes – all of these aspects of myself which I don’t want to think about or even deny that they exist – my wonderful girlfriends have stripped away all my defenses hiding these things from me and shredded them in front of me like thin toilet paper.
They put up the most brutal and sadly truthful mirror ever in front of me and forced me to look at that horrible image there. That cruel trick of an image that doesn’t even look like me at all. But that I still know somehow, deep down inside, is really me, part of my psyche, the black part.