I gotta get me one of these. Better than the real thing? Certainly more agreeable, no? Wow, those sure are lifelike, oh man. High tech or what?
Category: Humor
Neandertal Walks Among Us
Who's Afraid of Virginia Bitch?
The phone rang. It was nighttime, close to midnite. I leaned over and picked it up. It was Sexmaniacman again. He was on a rant, stoned and drinking wine, on his fourth glass. I let him go on. A minute in, I started laughing and didn’t stop until he finished and hung up. Here is what he said: BITCH! It’s their word, Bob, their word. Just like the Blacks and their n-word, excuse me, their nigger word. They can say it til their tonsils come out, but we whisper it less audibly than a dog whistle and the whole house falls down. Women just freak out when they hear that word, don’t they? How dare a man utter the b-word, the n-word for women. The audacity. He stole our favorite word from us. Death penalty! Normal, nice women are not afraid of that word. I was talking to this 50 year old lady the other day, not bad looking, few extra pounds. I said, “Wow, you’re not a bitch. How come? That’s amazing.” I said it like I just found a gold nugget worth $10,000. She beamed and lit up the whole room. “I know, Sexcat, I know..” She was purring. “I’m not a bitch; I’m nice. I’m good looking. Young guys check me out all the time and I love it! I make special trips out shopping just to let the young guys check me out, Sexbro.” She was moving back and forth like a human ocean wave. “I get a rush that lasts the whole day when those young studs check me out, Sexboy.” Now she was sad. Her lips down down and stared into her wine glass. “I’m not a bitch, I’m smart! I have a good job, I’m pretty hot for 50! So why am I alone?” “Do you want these hot young studs?”, I just had to ask. “Oh no”, she said. She was swaying now. “I want a man my age.” She looked like she was drunk, but she wasn’t, she was just rocking on the floor. “I want you, Sexman. I want you, baby.” Whew! I’m mopping my brow, Bob! The room’s getting hot just thinking about that. You know the rest, haha! I know this young woman, Asian chick, 30 years old, hot little spinner. I told her a while back, “You know something, you’re not a bitch.” She said, “Yes, I am, Sexguy.” I asked, “You are?” She said, “Yep. I’m a horny bitch, Sexdude!” Atta girl! You know the rest! This is another one of the lies women tell to us. We men are banned from using that word! Despite the fact that the world is full of bitches, sadly enough, and all women act this way from time to time! Bitchiness is as normal as sunshine and the moon, Bob, what’s the big deal, man? Bitchiness is like the weather, the rain and the sun, the clouds and the wind. It’s part of the rhythm of life, man. Man up and deal with it! If you don’t like bitchiness, move to a monastery. Tragically, some women are just bitchy all the time, and that’s who the word was made for. Every time we men use that evil word, we’re referring to all women! What a joke. No we aren’t. I mean, sure, some guys refer to all women or women in general as bitches, but that’s ugly and another matter all together. That’s nasty and misogynous to the extreme. I would never do this, Bob. C’mon man, how could I? I love women! Hell! I’m Sexman, the Sexmaniacman. I don’t hate women; I’m a woman addict. Bob, listen: Can we guys say, “Wow, my girlfriend was really being a bitch last night!”? No! If we say that, we are secretly referring to all women, and probably plotting to murder them too. Can we say, “Wow, I hate that woman, she is such an fucking bitch.” There are women like that, you know. Too many, as a matter of fact. No! We can’t say that, and if we do, we are Ted Bundy’s evil twin. It’s their word. They own it. We can’t have it. Ridiculous. You know what, Bob? You know who uses that word more than anybody else. Women! They use it about other women. They always calling each bitches. Even women my age*. I know, I hang around women a lot. I’m a ladies’ man, right? I ain’t no man’s man. All my friends are women! And I hear them talking, Bob, you listening? They’re always calling other women bitches. And my friend just told me that young women use that word even more than the ones my age. It’s part of their daily vocabulary. Who do they call bitches? Their own female sisters, that’s who. No fair. They get to use the word and we don’t. They say it and it’s meaningless; we say and we are evil sexist misogynous dogs who are secretly referring to all women, and plotting to rape and murder all of them, too, for good measure. Here’s how it is, Bob. Listen to me, man! I am Sexman, my words are golden! Feminism teaches women to be a bunch of bitches, and then creates a fantasyland where that reality somehow does not even exist (although it does), then pours scorn, hatred, abuse and contempt on any man (But not any woman!) who dares to point out the obvious. Man power! I am a masculinist! *Sexmaniacman, although apparently a permanent adolescent, is chronologically 45 years old. He likes women of all ages and all races, though he confesses that he never tried an Aborigine chick. He keeps bugging me to find him one. I’m at a loss.
He Won't Have Sex With Me Because I'm Pregnant!
Oh, boo-hoo. Take a look at this. 
Don't Tell Me to Have a Fucking Nice Day
I am starting to really get tired of this. People are always telling to me have a nice day/night, but a lot of the time it seems like they are ordering me to have a nice day/night, or they say, “Have a nice day/night,” but it seems like they don’t think I am going to have a nice day/night. Actually, most of the time, I am trying to get through the 24 hour period as best as I can, and most days, I spend a good part of the day trying very hard to work myself into a state where I am having a nice, or at least tolerable 24 hours. That means I spend a lot of time working on my headspace, anxiety level, thought processes, mood level, so that I stay in a reasonably decent place psychologically. Sometimes I just utterly fail, and this winter there were some weeks where they sun would not come out and I was depressed. Even then, if I was going out, I would work my way out of the depression just to deal with people because if you go outside depressed, everyone notices and hates it and says unpleasant things to you. Now here I am, I’ve been trying all day to work myself into an ok headspace, and some asshole just tells that I completely failed. That really makes me mad! At least give me credit for trying. They could say, “Keep on trying to have a nice day/night, sir. I know you are tying very hard. Keep up the good work, man.” To be honest, I resent the very notion that I have a have a fucking nice day/night every day/night. Why can’t I have a bad day/night? Why can’t I have mediocre day/night? Why can’t I have a fair to middling day/night? I was at the coffee shop the other day and I started talking to the server. I know the guy, but I don’t like him much because he isn’t all that nice, even though I always try extremely hard to be nice to him. I was telling him about my father being in the hospital in critical care, and he started walking away partway into the conversation. That’s rude right there, but whatever. As I walked away, he ordered me to, “HAVE A NICE DAY”, like he always does, and he always says it like he doesn’t think I am going to have a good day. If he doesn’t think I am going to have a good day, why tell me to have one? If he thinks I’m going to have a bad day, why not smile and say, “Have a bad day, sir.” I could almost enjoy that. I would laugh at anyone who told me that. Anyway, I turned around and glared at him. I’m not sure if he got it. Get this, I just told him my Dad’s in the hospital in critical condition and the asshole tells me to have a nice day. Well fuck you, man. Don’t tell me that. My Dad’s in the hospital, he might be dying, don’t tell me to have a good day, dammit. Say something else. Say, “Take care.” Say, “Regards, sir,” or “My regards, sir.” A couple days later I just got back from the hospital and it was a long day, 7 PM or so. I guess I was thinking, walking down the aisle at the drugstore. This little shit of kid employee sees me lost in thoughts and says, “How are YOU today, sir?” He says it like he doesn’t think I’m in a very good mood. I wasn’t in a very good mood, and I decided to let him know. He was moving away by now. I turned around, gave him a gigantic smile and said, “Horrible, just horrible!” I was almost laughing. He stopped in his tracks like, “Who dude, you don’t say that, man.” He was still looking at me with my jaw open. I decided to rub it in, “Awful, perfectly awful, just terrible, doing terrible here.” My grin was bigger than the aisle itself. I came back a while later and this time he minded his own damned business and just looked at the floor as I walked by. Good boy, learned your lesson. Quit telling me to have a fucking nice day, dammit. I’m trying my hardest to have one anyway, give me some credit.
New Neo-Nazi Group Menaces India
Of all places. It seems nowhere is safe from the Nazi threat. In the Aryan homeland by the Indian Sea, where there is scarcely a Jew to be seen for miles, the Fuhrer’s swan song echoes in the minds of the original Indo-Europeans. They dream of a 3,000 year rule. H-1 B job-thieving fake guest worker “engineers”, Bollywood movies, the smell of curry wafting into the night air, and politically correct Academy Awards are among their subversive plots as they seek to undermine America from within.
- Jews, Gypsies and queers cower the world over as the Nazi ideology even spreads to the land of curry and sutee.
For Women Who Really Love Obama
And I do mean really love him! Drum roll…folks…are you ready… for? Drum roll…the Obama Dildo? 
Mountain Ewww To Compete With Peepsi and Coke
Thirsty anyone? This drink really hits the spot. Sort of an Indian version of Red Bull, I guess. Seriously, I really doubt if this stuff is good for you. Hat tip to commenter Scott for the link.
Don't Eat With Your Left Hand
What did people use before toilet paper was invented? *Newsprint, paper catalog pages in early US *Hayballs, Scraper/gompf stick kept in container by the privy in the Middle Ages *Discarded sheep’s wool in the Viking Age, England *Frayed end of an old anchor cable was used by sailing crews from Spain and Portugal *Medieval Europe- Straw, hay, grass, gompf stick *Corn cobs, Sears Roebuck catalog, mussel shell, newspaper, leaves, sand- United States *Water and your left hand, India *Pages from a book, British Lords *Coconut shells in early Hawaii *Lace was used by French Royalty *Public Restrooms in Ancient Rome- A sponge soaked in salt water, on the end of a stick *The Wealthy in Ancient Rome-Wool and Rosewater *French Royalty-lace, hemp *Hemp & wool were used by the elite citizens of the world *Defecating in the river was very common internationally *Bidet, France *Snow and Tundra Moss were used by early Eskimos Wow, impressive. Humans are so creative, always inventing new things. Sand? Snow? Coconut shells? Mussel shells? Straw? Hay? Grass? The Roman one, a sponge soaked in salt water on the end of a stick, seems like the best one of them all until Charmin came along 2000 years later. Do it in the river? Terrible idea. In Africa, to this very day, they do it on the beach. Or maybe they wade out into the shallow water a little bit. They have some really beautiful white sand beaches in West Africa, but you really do need to watch where you step. I believe that in Lagos, Nigeria, a so-called modern city, only 1 In China they used to put it on the crops. I hope they composted it first. Farmers all over China where wheeling around wheelbarrows full of it 60 years ago. It was called “night soil.” In the Middle Ages, you just went in a bucket. After a while, the bucket filled up. Then you went to the window and tossed it out into the streets. I’m not sure if you looked before you tossed or not. To this day there is an expression in Mexican Spanish dating from Old Spanish from the Middle Ages – Aguas! means “Watch out!” Aguas means “waters.” This expression dates back to that period when someone was emptying their toilet bucket out into the street below. People down below would yell out, “Waters!” so they could get out of the way when the shit started to fly.
Finn Joke
Lots of ethnic groups get insulted, but no one ever insults the Finns. This is grossly unfair. They have very high rates of depression and heart disease, never smile, hate Russians pathologically, like to dive into freezing cold water in the middle of winter like lunatics, have no gourmet foods to speak of, and have an insanely difficult language that is frankly incapable of being learned by anyone not a native speaker. It’s time to dog on the Finns! Hey, did you hear the one about the Finns? They were Finnish before they even started. Har har. I used to date this 1/2 Finnish, 1/2 Russian girl named Tami, and damn was she beautiful! Blonde hair, blue eyes, smart, happy, friendly, oh yeah!
Anti-Semitic Chicken Nazis Threaten Jews
Prior to the latest Gaza War, one of the worst threats facing the Jewish state today was a tribe of Islamo-Nazi super-chickens being raised in Gaza by a suicidal chicken death cult to be suicide chickens and kill every single Jew in Israel. According to the Chicken’s Founding Charter, “not one Jew will be left in Israel.” The chickens had recently taken over Gaza in a chicken coup (hehe), killing many moderate chickens in the process and instituting a chicken dictatorship over other animals. Lately, the chickens had been launching chicken poop rockets at Israel on a daily basis. Although there were no casualties, the chicken poop launched at Sderot caused many cases of shock in the Israelis living near the Chicken Terrorist Haven of Gaza. Further, it is said that two Jews, one 85 and the other 87, forgot to take their heart meds and nearly had fatal heart attacks when the chicken shit was really flying over southwest Israel. The chickens refuse to accept any past agreements with Israel and refuse to recognize the Jewish state, since it grants no rights to chickens. Further, the chickens say that Jews stole the land where they used to strut and fluff their feathers. The chickens have also refused to renounce violence, and the roosters have been fighting a lot lately. There aren’t any Jewish chickens around to kill, so they turn on each other in a fratricidal chicken war in Gaza. Israel has blockaded the chickens, putting them on a starvation diet and making for some awfully slim boneless fryers. One of the great things about Israel is the US gets to use it as a testing ground for new weapons. Chickens, unlike humans, have proven impervious to most of the techniques yet developed by “USreal” to kill them. However, in the latest Gaza War, Israel used new weapons called “chicken hawks” to decimate the chickens. From the article:
Samir Sawafiri pointed at several dozen hungry chickens scavenging for food between the crushed bodies of nearly 65,000 other birds strewn across a destroyed farm in Zeitoun in Gaza City. “They are all that is left and I have nowhere to put them,” he said. The poultry farms around Zeitoun used to be the Gaza Strip’s main provider of eggs, according to Oxfam. Little but twisted metal and crumbling concrete now remains of the poor suburb on the eastern outskirts of Gaza, one of the areas hit hardest during the war. “I evacuated on January 9,” Mr Sawafiri said. “Three days later, on January 12, tanks came with bulldozers and leveled the fields. They wanted to spoil the economy – that is the only answer. There is no justification for what they did.”
In the war, at least 65,000 Palestinian terrorist jihadi chickens were killed by the IDF in just this one raid. All of the chicken counterattacks killed only 13 Israeli birds. Operation Plucked Chicken was declared a success by Ehud Olmert, though there were worries that the chickens would rebuild their coops and try to re-arm to fight another day. The questions that remains is why the chickens turned into anti-Semites. It seems that not only have the Jews been hated forever by all other humans, but they have also been hated by most other animals, not just humans. It was a matter of time before Euro-weenies, the Far Left and radical Islam roused the chickens to join in the world’s oldest sport, hatred of and war against the Jews.
Better Than the Bird
Just forget about flipping people off. That’s so old and passe. Just give them the shocker instead. Amazing, of all the sex acts I have ever engaged in, I never managed to try this one. I don’t know about the unwitting part. I’m not into surprise penetrations of others. Would I want someone to sneak-poke me? I don’t thaaaank so. So I can’t do it to others.
Linguist Joke, One More Time
Since no one seems to be getting this one, we will try it one more time. I tossed it out there on the old blog. It has to do with polyglots. A polyglot is one who speaks many different languages. There was a very famous linguist named Roman Jacobsen. He was Russian, and he also spoke many other languages. In fact, it was said that Jacobsen spoke Russian in 15 different languages. I know it’s not exactly a floor-roller, but we think it’s kind of funny. Ok, geniuses, now figure out the joke! Explanations for the joke in the comments please.
