“Just Give Me The News,” by Dano Bivins

Dano is a friend of mine who sent me this piece that he dashed off the other night. It was so good, I asked him if we could run it, so we are. This is his first piece for us. I hope he writes more. Dano is a great writer!

We do accept guest writers here, but you have to be good. If you want to know how good, you have to be as good as Dano or Alpha Unit.

Wall to wall coverage of Sandra Bullock’s marriage troubles. C’mon. Give me a effing break. She’s worth 50 million, Jesse James had a super expensive motorcycle customizing shop and he has “pay up sucker” tattooed on his hand.

Did she think he was a choir boy? No. She didn’t. In fact, his bad-boy rep probably attracted her to him in the first place. Now she’s the martyred America’s sweetheart victim cuz he was screwing around? Now, for 3 weeks straight, the story dominates the TV news and celeb shows?

She’ll be OK. She can relax in a 4 star hotel in Tahiti and pig out on baked Brie and marinated Abalone till she gets over it. The rest of us will fork over 12 bucks to see her next movie. And as for the news…listen, JUST GIVE ME THE NEWS. Spare me the clever repartee, the lame comedy, and the inside jokes. Don’t make cryptic remarks to the other newspeople on the set like, “Oh what a unique tie, I’ll bet Stewart has that one, ha ha ha! ”

Just give me the damn news. Who what when where and why. Don’t tell me how I should “feel” about it, or how I should “think” about it, don’t make wrap-comments like a pained, sad faced, “Such a tragic story,” or “How terrible”…okay Katie and Diane? If it’s tragic and sad, I’ll be the judge, I don’t need you practicing for an Emmy and looking like you’re all broke-up and deeply moved over the 412th murder or accident victim you’ve reported on this week.

Don’t try to convey the deep, consuming empathy and compassion you…the on-air talent…experience in response to the teleprompter story as you take every opportunity to repeat your name.

Just give me the damn news. I’ll pass on the manufactured pathos, thank you.

And cut out the teases. Don’t tell me that there’s a serial murderer that just broke out of prison in my county and you’ll let us know what neighborhood he’s believed to be in, “AFTER THE BREAK”. Don’t report that a truck carrying 2000 gallons of cyanide flipped and ruptured a water main contaminating the water in 400 homes and you’ll tell us which area is affected, “WHEN WE COME BACK”.

Just give me the news.

Don’t substitute the 5 “W”‘s for long, lingering shots of grieving parents or siblings and closeups of their tears, anguish and blubbering.

Tell me what the hell happened, don’t just assume it’s such a big story that I already should know that a 15 yr old boy beat a 16 yr old girl into a coma at the local middle school, and instead of actually reporting the details of the story we get, “Poor Amber’s parents and her friends have gathered at the school gym to pray and remember their beloved friend and schoolmate as her assailant is arraigned today in county court,” (cut to her distraught, teary-eyed mother saying our kids are growing up without a conscience). Ummm…what the HELL happened?

Who what when where and why.

Just give me the freakin’ news.


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