Toxic Masculinity Is Caused by Women, Not by Other Men

I’ve been reading lately some Reddit posts by men who have issues around their masculinity. Granted, by objective standards, they are not very masculine. That’s not a delusion on their part. They say that they get it from both men and women both. A lot of it is good-natured but they still don’t like it.

Many had girlfriends but the girlfriends pointed out that they weren’t very masculine, said they liked guys like that, and that’s why they were with him. None of the men liked this either, and the reason was odd.

That was because most of these men, though objectively not particularly masculine (or perhaps not macho is a better term), had a deep inner sense of a masculine self that was very important to them. It angered and upset them that this was not being recognized in others.

They all said they had been bullied growing up as kids and many said they got called gay a lot, even though none of them were effeminate. On the other hand, a lot of them said they weren’t hypermasculine but they weren’t effeminate either. Obviously you don’t have to be effeminate to get called a fag in the US.

The problem is Americans don’t make the distinction. Not macho? You’re a faggot! There’s hypermasculinity and anything less, well, you’re a fucking fag! I’ve also heard that Europeans are far less demanding than Americans are about this sort of thing.

In the graphic below, each number represents a spectrum.

In reality I would say there is:

    1. Hypermasculinity – toxic masculinity ->
    2. not macho but often with a masculine image – “soft masculinity” ->
    3. femininity – the “feminine man” “wimpy” men ->
    4. effeminacy – homosexuality – transvestism – transsexualism.

1 and 2 often have strong masculine self images, but the non-macho guy is often upset that no one can see his deep sense of inner masculinity.

3 and 4 not only don’t feel masculine, but in general, they don’t even have much interest in acting this way.

When you get to 3-4, there’s also a strong tendency towards passivity and not wanting to fight. This is definitely true with 2 also, although there are some 2’s who absolutely can and will fight and some are even dangerous or more or less psycho (though they don’t necessarily break the law – they just appear very dangerous at times). If you fight or fight back, you’re not a wimp. Even some passive men will definitely fight and are maybe even a bit psycho, like the guy writing this blog post.

No, you’re not a wimp. You fight! You fight back! You really fight!

– my mother, speaking to me.

So there you have it. If a man fights, especially viciously, or seems the slightest bit dangerous, he’s not a wimp.

It’s long been my observation that men are far more easy-going in terms of masculinity than women are or else men are looking at masculinity in some different way than women are. I say this because most men, aside from a few psycho fucks, seem to be ok with my level of masculinity. I walk the walk and talk the talk, and that’s all you have to do. It’s a performance!

At the same time, even when I get a pass from the most masculine men, I still often don’t cut it with women, and for much of my life, I get the following from women: ball-busting attacks on my masculinity, the idea that I’m not much of a man or lacking in the masculinity department and that this bothers her, questions about me being bisexual or formerly gay, a tendency to want to boss me around and bitch me out, etc.

This has continued to this very day when I still hear this stuff from women, mostly young women. A young woman recently told me that I was not dominant and she wanted a dominant man. She told me to come back when I learn to act like a man!

Another young Hispanic woman who I had over one night complained to my Arab friend that I wasn’t a tough guy, as she put it. And you know those Hispanic chicks all want badass dudes.

During this same period, I got basically zero attacks on my masculinity along those lines from men. I pretty much get the a-ok from them in that department. Like I said, you walk the walk and talk the talk, and you’re in.

But I’m afraid that for women that’s just not good enough. This goes against our common ideal that it is men who put insane pressures on other men to act masculine and mete out punishments for violations from this behavior. This line says that toxic masculinity is created by men strictly enforcing masculinity against other men (with a fist, I might add).

Nobody ever says that it’s not other men but women who are the true cause of toxic masculinity and everything bad that flows from it, but this is my conviction after six decades of observation.

To meet the masculine bar with men, as I said, it is sort of a surface performance thing and most men don’t care about your life beyond that. You walk the walk and talk the talk, and you’re in the boys’ club, no questions asked.

No one cares about much of anything else, how you live your life, if you are married or have kids or not, how much money you have, what kind of car you drive, how responsible and law-abiding you are, or even how outgoing or introverted you are, all those things that women list when they talk about masculinity – well, men seem like they could care less about any of that.

As long as you can do a good performance, it’s all good, and you can have a beer with the boys. You become “one of them,” and to a certain extent, all is forgiven, and they can at least bond with on one thing.

However, whatever it takes to win the Masculine Award with men is not going to be nearly enough to cut it with women because they have a much longer list of what it means to be a man and they are much less tolerant of masculine aberrations (like the stuff I listed above that men don’t care about). At any rate you are going to have to ramp up your masculinity far beyond what was needed to cut it with men in order to make the cut with women.

I know this goes against everything we’ve been taught but I’m certain that it’s true, having a lot of experience in this area.

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One thought on “Toxic Masculinity Is Caused by Women, Not by Other Men”

  1. Hispanic men are ultra-masculine. All about machismo. I love getting sexist with Hispanic women. They laugh and enjoy it.

    I’m very masculine but some small-minded Mexicans will call anyone gay. Racial or national snipes are useful tools for some of them. It’s normally done as self-defense, and most of them can they can take it. Blacks are much more racially sensitive than Hispanics.

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