One thing I would like to say though is that trauma is not inevitable after molestation, rape, war, or all sorts of things. In particular molestation, which a lot of kids don’t even understand, are neutral or positive about, and see as so insignificant that they forget about it!
Plenty of men go off to war and come back just fine or say they did. Others become war addicts and mercenaries. Criminals, gang members and psychopaths experience tremendous violence and seem none the worse for it. There are primitive societies where every man is a murderer by age 40 and no one seems the worse for it.
Violent rape is clearly much harder to get over. Even nonviolent rape by serious coercion is a tough one. A girlfriend of mine was taken on a boat by a Black man in Jamaica to an island at night. Then it came down that she would have to have sex with him to get back to the mainland or he would leave her on the island. I hate the coercion argument (rape generally has to be drugging, threat or use of force), but I’m afraid that this is rape!
I recently dated a woman much younger than I am, say 1/3 of my age! She was 19 and she had incorporated this idea that the first time she had sex, she got raped, and was living up this “tragic figure” image of herself which I guess she got off on as “tragically romantic.” She was also suicidal. I’m convinced that suicidality is an essential aspect of the Feminine Character.
Then she told me that she had some other trauma from some “fuckboys.” God knows what they did to her. The first incident was when she was 19 and he was 30. He drove her to a motel but she did not want to go. But she froze up. He got her inside the room, got her close off, and had sex with her, and she froze up.
So she called it rape. Well, legally it wasn’t, of course, but it seems like a dick move on his part. I told her that she didn’t get raped. Legally, it wasn’t rape. It’s called “grey rape.” It’s a dick move on his part, but it’s not considered rape. I told her to reframe and downplay it to say it wasn’t rape, it was just gray rape, and since it wasn’t rape, she wasn’t traumatized. By telling herself she was raped, she’s essentially self-victimizing.
Thing is I know women who have been raped. I know others who claim they were raped. That’s how they saw it so it’s going to effect them whether it’s real or not. A girlfriend said she got raped by her boyfriend every day for five years. That sounds like BS, but she sees it as rape, so she will respond accordingly. He also tried to slowly kill her (long story).
Most women I know who got molested flat out told me they were over it, period. Some weren’t but there was so much coercion involved that it was more rape than molestation/stat rape. Nobody wants to hear it but girls often go along with the molestation because it feels good or they don’t know what sex is.
Surveys have shown that most women who got molested are over it by college. Only 22
I’m not trying to downplay anyone’s trauma. I’ve suffered some serious trauma along these lines too (attempted rape, attempted murder, kidnapping, beatings). I feel like I’m over those events.
The point I make is that the whole idea of trauma is to get over it. If you’re not over it, fine, that’s normal, but we want to help you move beyond.
The more we can help people recover best they can from this stuff, the better. The narrative that everyone is irreparably harmed for life by these events is harmful because a lot of young women now are inventing sexual trauma where there would have been none in the past. They’re literally self-harming in part because victimhood is preferable. The permanent long term damage line is false but it’s also bad because it seriously hampers recovery and promotes self-victimization.
What do we want? We want people to get better, dammit! If we have to tell confused molested girls that that man was just a silly idiot, what happened was not important but don’t let it happen again, and just forget about it, I support that! We’re not letting molesters off. We’re preventing trauma in girls!