Waitresses, “Christmas Wrapping”

From 1982. The Waitresses, a “post-punk” band, whatever the Hell that means.

Nice song. And unlike far too many things in life, including of course the grand finale as the curtain closes for good, it actually has a happy ending! Yay! Treasure every happy ending you can get in life. There aren’t nearly enough of them, go guard your precious jewels as the Muslims say.

Merry Christmas!

And Now, a Story

Takes me back. I was living up in LA at that time, working at a publishing house for academic journals in Beverly Hills. It was called Sage Publications. They’re still in business. Maybe you’ve heard of it. I worked as a proofreader. I really didn’t like living up there too much. It was great with all the hot chicks of course, the excitement, the bright lights, and all that.

But I didn’t like all the homosexuals! Hi Presto Magic. The whole place is swarming with gay men from top to bottom, right to left, north to south, east to west, and six ways from Sunday. I’d walk down the street and all these gay men in their cars would be rubbernecking me along the way. You’d go to any store and it would be swarming with gay men, and they’d all be looking at me like I was a walking double cheeseburger.

For a while there, every day outside work, there would be this gay guy waiting for me outside my work.

He was one of those leatherman tough guys. Truth is none of those guys is tough at all. I’m met more than I can count. Everyone says they’re badass and masculine and not effeminate. Sure, they look touch with all that leather but you walk up to them and ask them for the time, and they answer in a very soft voice. Not necessarily an effeminate voice. Just a soft voice. They’re not macho at all! Or maybe I’m domming them just by being straight. Who knows?

But true masc-acting or straight-acting gay men are not common. And truly macho or hypermasculine gay men are are rare as four leaf clovers. Sure they exist and I actually like those guys a lot. I put their sex lives out of my head and just focus on how masculine they are and I like it a lot. I would even say that it’s “hot” that they’re so masculine though I wouldn’t have that kind of sex for all the money in the world. Obviously those are the pitchers, not the catchers.

Anyway, I would go look outside 10 minutes before work was over and there he would be, staring right up at my window all right just like he always did. I almost got a panic attack every time I saw him. I had to walk down the sidewalk opposite him to get to my car and his canine eyes followed me with every step. I was the sheep, he was the wolf. I was prey.

I guess women like being in this dynamic (Sometimes!; other times they hate it), but I didn’t dig it at all. I ran an article about this a while back and all these young women commenters came on here and said

Now you know how we women feel!

I guess they were right. I did feel like a piece of meat. To tell the truth, women have made me feel like a piece of meat too at times. Mostly I liked it, but once I walked into the Rainbow nightclub in Hollywood right around this same time. This was at the peak of my looks and I was getting offers from modeling agencies to be a male model but my homophobic self was turning them “because of all the fags”, as I told people at the time.

Anyway I reviewed music albums for my college paper at time even though I’d graduated. I got to do free interviews with rock stars at record industry offices and all sorts of fun things. Also free concerts and free albums. These record industry agent guys would call me up to pitch the latest group to me. This agent guy with a super-gay voice called me at work:

Are you ready for Maxus?!

He said it like they were the Second Coming. Then you get a free album in the mail. You get free tickets to this record industry “coming-out” concert at, this time, the Rainbow. The place will be packed with record industry people. An industry which, for some reason, is full of hot young women doing God knows what. I went with my friend.

As soon as I walked in that room, I swear to God, the eyes of every single Goddamn woman in that room looked exactly at me, locked eyes, and stared, stunned. I look out at this room of staring women, and I should have been on top of the world, but instead, like a big pussy, I felt a wave of terror run through my body. It’s hard to be on the spot like that. Try it some time and see how you react. I guess I felt like meat on a rack. It wasn’t so much that, more that whole room of women looking right at me that scared me.

We went in there and sat down. It was as many beers as you could drink, all Heinekens. The music industry imbibes like the rest of us do water. We sat a table with these two industry guys and their hot girlfriends. One guy was straight and they other guy was apparently gay as the Ace of Spades, very goodlooking, but with this totally hot blond, giggly, “Isn’t it cute how faggy my boyfriend is?” idiot women who are all over that stupid city called Hollywood.

Everyone thinks this guys are bisexual, whatever the Hell “bisexual man” even means, but that’s just Woketard bullshit.

I’ll give you the straight up on these guys.

I worked with one and the publishing house named Arthur. First time he met me he looked at me like I was a new Christmas present under the tree. I sort of snarled at him. I wore a leather jacket all the time and leather with metal studs on my wrist and I was trying to be as frightening as Hell. And the idea was to scare off these stupid gays for sure. Some women really liked that terrifying violent punker look though. Seemed like it made them horny. Especially the leather. Women go nuts over leather, especially leather jackets. He had very good taste in clothes but a lot of those gays do.

He had one of those hot blond Hollywood “fag lover” chicks described earlier. I guess these guys can get it up for them for a while until they can’t? Anyway we would be sitting in the lunch room and this totally hot Black woman who worked there strolled into the room, swaying like a streetwalker. Of course every man in that room looked up and stared right at her, watching every footfall.

Except Arthur. She may as well have been a ghost to him. She literally was not even in the room. Sure sign of a closet case.

Want to know a surefire way to identify gay men, especially closet cases? There ya go. A hot woman walks into a room and every male from 9 to 90 drops everything he’s doing, looks up at stares right at her, stunned, like someone just slapped his face.

Every one of those males are straight. The 9 year old boy is “pre-straight.” Guaranteed. The 90 year old guy? He may be old, but he’s not dead! Even if his dick doesn’t work, his brain is still using it to think now and again.

Except if there’s a gay man in the room. He will notice a thing. To gay men, a woman in the room is like part of the furniture, one of the chairs, or maybe a weird descending extension of the ceiling. She’s not even in the room.

Most of these guys are very goodlooking young men in their 20’s, every last one of them closet cases hiding under the bullshit bisexual label with a hot chick. They’ll all come out their 30’s leaving a trail of wrecked women in their cowardly wake. Closets are for clothes!

I told them I worked in Beverly Hills. This gets points. I told them I lived in the Valley, and they acted like that was lame, but they said they used to live in the Valley. Apparently living in the Valley is lame and to be truly hip, you have to live in fagged-out LA.

Anyway, idiot gay hit on me the whole night while I just sat there and laughed nervously and took it. He wouldn’t leave me alone. I guess it wasn’t only the women in the room who wanted me. Equal time!

At the end of the night, they all got up. They gay guy announced, “We’re going to go home and take drugs and fuck all night!” I nodded my head as if to say, “Have a good one.”

Anyway, enough of that!

Bah! Humbug! Now that’s too strong ‘Cause it is my favorite holiday But all this year’s been a busy blur Don’t think I have the energy To add to my already mad rush Just ’cause it’s ’tis the season The perfect gift for me would be Completions and connections left from last year Ski shop encounter most interesting Had his number but never the time Most of ’81 passed along those lines So deck those halls Trim those trees Raise up cups of Christmas cheer I just need to catch my breath Christmas by myself this year

Calendar picture, frozen landscape Chill this room for 24 days Evergreens, sparkling snow Get this winter over with! Flash back to spring time, saw him again Would have been good to go for lunch Couldn’t agree when we were both free We tried, we said we’d keep in touch Didn’t of course, ’til summertime Out to the beach, to his boat, could I join him? No, this time it was me Sunburn in the third degree Now the calendar’s just one page Of course I am excited Tonight’s the night I’ve set my mind Not to do too much about it

Merry Christmas, merry Christmas But I think I’ll miss this one this year Merry Christmas, merry Christmas But I think I’ll miss this one this year Merry Christmas, merry Christmas But I think I’ll miss this one this year Merry Christmas, merry Christmas But I think I’ll miss this one this year

Hardly dashing through the snow ‘Cause I bundled up too tight Last minute have-to-dos A few cards, a few calls Because it’s RSVP No, thanks, no party lights It’s Christmas Eve, gonna relax Turned down all of my invites Last fall I had a night to myself Same guy called; Halloween party Waited all night for him to show This time his car wouldn’t go Forget it, it’s cold, it’s getting late Trudge on home to celebrate In a quiet way, unwind Doing Christmas right this time

A&P has provided me With the world’s smallest turkey Already in the oven, nice and hot Oh damn! Guess what I forgot So on with the boots Back out in the snow To the only all night grocery When what to my wondering eyes should appear In the line it’s that guy I’ve been chasing all year “Spendin’ this one alone, ” he said “Gimme a break, this year’s been crazy” I said, “Me too, but why are you You mean, you forgot cranberries too?” Then suddenly we laughed and laughed Caught on to what was happening That Christmas magic’s brought this tale To a very happy ending

Merry Christmas, merry Christmas Couldn’t miss this one this year Merry Christmas, merry Christmas Couldn’t miss this one this year Merry Christmas, merry Christmas Couldn’t miss this one this year Merry Christmas, merry Christmas Couldn’t miss this one this year Merry Christmas, merry Christmas Couldn’t miss this one this year Merry Christmas, merry Christmas Couldn’t miss this one this year Merry Christmas, merry Christmas Couldn’t miss this one this year Merry Christmas, merry Christmas Couldn’t miss this one this year Merry Christmas, merry Christmas Couldn’t miss this one this year Merry Christmas, merry Christmas Couldn’t miss this one this year Merry Christmas, merry Christmas Couldn’t miss this one this year Merry Christmas, merry Christmas Couldn’t miss this one this year Merry Christmas, merry Christmas

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