PSA: How Some Straight (?) Guy Got An Anal Fistula

This is a story about how one of my best friends started fucking fags like a dipshit and within no time, had the misfortune of getting an anal fistula. Let this be a warning to my depraved straight male readers.

My idiot best friend, D., got blackmailed into gay sex by a depraved West Hollywood faggot, R., he had the stupidity of moving in with. By the way, never take a room from a gay man if you are a straight man, especially if you are very goodlooking. You’re asking for it. I’ve had a couple straight friends who ended up in this blackmailed mess.

I spent the night over there in October 1981 after we’d been chasing model and actress types in at the Lingerie Club in Hollywood.

We struck out as usual because that’s usually what happens when you chase actress and model types in Hollywood. They’re cream of the crop, and competition is savage. I might have gotten laid or at least gotten a number from the hottie across the table if I tried, but I chickened out like a big pussy idiot.

I gave my friend my car keys to go sit in the car because he hated the show. Of course, being an asshole and a drunken asshole at that, he stole my car and drove it home. I came out with no wheels. I tried to get rides home or couches to sleep on from the women we sat with and from random males. My female table partner, who had been practically propositioning me from the other side of the table not long before, turned me down for a couch apologetically. All of a sudden my car showed up, driven by the fag, R., an older man in his 40’s. My stupid friend was in the car. By the way, he was drop dead handsome, and they say I was too back then. They tell me to get in.

“You shouldn’t have done that, D.,” the fag said scoldingly. My friend looked smug, like he didn’t give a shit, but he always looked like that. After all, he was an asshole.

We go home and have coffee at 3 AM and the fag acts really weird, like he’s trying to convince me I’m gay. I’m not convinced. I’m just confused. Turns out he did the exact same thing to another friend of mine. I’m not sure if they really believe this crap, or it’s just some scam they use to get into a straight dude’s pants.

The couch pulled out and I was asleep on it. I wake up in the middle of the night to some truly disturbing sounds. Then I smell cum. I can’t see either of them, but my friend seems pissed somehow. Apparently my best friend just got fucked in the ass by a disgusting fag right under my nose. For some reason, I processed this trauma and went back to sleep.

I was up early and the fag was back with his:

“You’re not really straight. Don’t give me this shit, Bob. Face it, closet case! You’re a fag! Just like me!”

That’s not very pleasant to listen to, and I must admit it was traumatic. The whole morning my friend had this attitude like:

“So what! So I just got fucked in the ass by a fag! What are you going to do about it!”

Totally unrepentant. Which was gross.

Later that morning, I lost a contact lens. My friend and the fag used this as an excuse to “find the contact lens” by putting their hands all over to “find the contact lens.” My friend had turned gay, I guess, because he was giggling the whole time. Obviously, they weren’t “looking for the contact lens,” but I let these two idiots have their perverse fun. It was rather flattering that a couple of goodlooking humans, albeit males instead of females, thought I was hot enough to be worshiped like a Greek statue. Their hands never got too weird, so I just let them have their perverse kicks and didn’t give a shit.

Later, I said goodbye to my friend, and my mind said, “Hey, I still love you, brother. I don’t care if you’re doing this gay shit.” Mistake.

Later I told my other friend, DJ, about it, and we were are both amazed that our mutual friend is fagging out like a dipshit. DJ, DN, and I had all grown up together, and we were tight as thieves. I told DJ about the weird, “You’re really gay, Bob. Admit it, dammit!” vibe I got off the fag, and DJ is flabbergasted.

“Bob! You won’t believe this! I got the exact same vibe off that guy!”

The weird thing was he hadn’t come right out and said it. It was just this weird vibe floating over the interaction and conversation that I picked up on, nonverbal and extraverbal (voice tone) communication. I’ve always been pretty good at reading minds.

I told my friend that DN seemed unrepentant and he agreed that he had seemed that way to DJ too. He shook his head incredulously. Weird thing is we all grew up together, and we were all completely straight. DN and I had talked about gay stuff because gay guys were trying to screw him 24-7, but we both always said, “I’m not into that stuff.” We almost had a blood pact together that no matter how bad things got in our lives, we were not going to stoop to faggotry. That was one bridge too far.

DN loved women almost more than any man who’d ever lived. At age 23, he’d already screwed a battalion of him. Even after he started fagging off, he was still with women, and the last I heard he was living with a woman in Santa Barbara. I honestly think he prefers women. Most of these bisexual guys lean pretty heavily one way or the other. Pure bi men are rare.

Eight months later, summer 1982, I was a mess, heading into a 3-4 year long nervous breakdown during which I was working, going to school, and getting advanced degrees the whole time. You can accomplish a lot when you’re nuts as long as long you’re not too crazy. As long as you keep it all in your head, no one cares too much.

DN was back at home at his old parental home. He was being an asshole of course, but he was always an asshole. That’s one of the things I liked about him, being a bit of one myself.

He’s living there with his very handsome brother, BN, who was also an asshole, probably even a bigger one than D. Their parents were gone on vacation for the whole summer. Their father was an executive for an oil company and from what I could tell, he was an asshole too. But how can you be an executive for an oil company without being an asshole? Is that even possible?

They had called this really hot female saleswoman over to the house and were ordering fine wines from her, splurging like trust fund kids. They were putting on a big show of being rich for this hot chick, but the whole thing is ridiculously fake, a big act on a stage.

We were all fawning all over her like a bunch of slavering beasts. DN was acting like a puppy dog because that’s how he acted around women a lot. That’s totally lame, but somehow he got laid quite a bit anyway. Most have been the good looks.

She knew but she didn’t care because all us guys were Chad. Chad gets to slaver all he wants, you know. She was acting like she might just fuck the whole room, except she never did. That was another act on that stage that day.

DN never had a nickel because, being an asshole, he was also a deadbeat and a derelict who couldn’t hold a job of course, which is probably why he turned into a rentboy for rich fags. By the way, quite a few very handsome straight (or bisexual?) men become male prostitutes or rent boys for rich gay men. I guess they are just acting like women, whoring themselves out sexually to the highest bidder and offering to do pretty much anything for the green. Very goodlooking straight men have the advantage of getting to do what women only can usually do, except I’m not sure that’s an advantage. Straight gigolos are rare.

I was wondering how these idiots got all this money to be ordering all this fine wine, seeing as they were both deadbeat assholes who couldn’t hold a job due to being assholes. Then I see DN flashing around credit cards. He was using his parents’ credit cards while they were gone on a months-long vacation! No surprise. Hey, I told you he was an asshole, right? Someone pointed out he was using his parents’ cards. He laughed and acted like he didn’t give a shit, but that’s how he acted about everything. Assholes don’t give a shit, remember?

Anyway, the woman left at some point, and then we were all talking. Somewhere in the conversation, DN noted that he had a fistula in his ass. Once again, he acted completely unrepentant.

“I got it from driving a truck. Truck driving gives those to you,” he lied.

Like Hell it does, I was thinking. Maybe from letting guys drive mack trucks up your ass, you idiot! Which was obviously how he got it because that’s about the only way a man gets one. You get fucked in the ass by fags, get an STD. You don’t treat it and it goes into an abscess. You don’t treat the abscess and it goes into a fistula. Wa-la! Now you have a fistula, genius!

So, as you can see, a mere eight months after my idiot friend turns bisexual and starts getting fucked up the ass by fags, he already had a fistula in his ass. Let this be a warning to my straight male readers. Stick with women, ok? Do yourself a favor.

Shortly thereafter, I broke off all contact with DN. A number of our other  mutual friends made a big gay pride show of remaining friends with him, and I was condemned as an evil homophobe for voicing my disgust at his voluntary decision to become a particularly low degenerate, a degenerate fag of all things, so low that even I wouldn’t go there.

But thinking back on it, I had to quit hanging around with that guy. When your best friend turns into a fag, you need to cut him completely out of your life, no exceptions. There’s no way you are going to be able to continue to hang out with him. Things will get real weird real fast and if you don’t watch what you are doing, you might get roped into their faggy games real quick. Maybe more on that in a future sick post if I ever feel low enough to write it.

I’ve actually found this a bit hard to live down. It was a black mark on my history. I’m over it now because people aren’t so insanely homophobic thank God. Back then, this is how people thought:

“You see, if you’re a real man, you have real man friends, and they don’t turn into fags. If you’re best friend turns into a fag, that means you must be a fag. Because who else would be best friends with a fag except another fag.”

I’m not ecstatic about gay men, but extreme homophobes that go around accusing straight men of being gay are 10X worse.

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