I advise you to get away from all such people. Unless the behavior is being caused by a mental disorder (which it often is, particularly a mood disorder), and the disorder clears up (which does happen with mood disorders sometimes), these people pretty much never get better. In fact, as they age in life, they have a tendency to get worse and worse, as the entire strategy is a defense against their own perceived failures in life (which we all have), and as you age, you pile up more and more failures, so there is more to defend against with each passing year.
If you can’t admit you are wrong, ever, ever then there is something horribly wrong with you.
My whole family is like this.
My father was this way.
My middle brother has Narcissistic Personality Disorder, so of course he’s never wrong.
My sister is mentally ill and has suffered from Major Depression her whole life. She doesn’t work and collects disability, but if you met her you would not think there was anything wrong with her. She never, ever, ever admits she is wrong about anything. She’s frankly completely fucked in the head for the rest of her life. If you even suggest in the tiniest voice that she might be in error, her voice starts to rise in anger, and she very quickly gets out of control if you don’t tamp down on it very quickly.
This ridiculous person has had decades of psychotherapy, and it has done absolutely zero in my opinion. She hasn’t gotten a thing out of it. She’s just as nuts and screwed up as when she started.
Her Depression, which has wrecked her life and is frankly the dominating theme of her existence, can never be mentioned even one time. For a long time, she was on meds, but that fact could never be mentioned, nor could you ever ask which meds she was on, etc. It’s the dominating theme of her whole life, but it can never be discussed. Furthermore, you can’t even mention the subject of mood disorders or depression in general because, you know, that means you are secretly talking about her.
She has been very overweight forever, and this has given her diabetes. Her weight can never be discussed, ever, not even one time, though it’s one of the most important subjects in her life. You can’t even discuss the subject of weight or overweight people at all because her voice will start rising very quickly and if you don’t shut down the conversation, she will throw a temper tantrum. This because when you talk about weight, you are obviously talking about her.
She throws minor temper tantrums all the time, and when you are around her, you are walking on eggshells all the time so as not to set her off. She, like most of my family, is an emotional volcano.
I will say that my narcissist brother at least has a formidable defensive system set up to where he doesn’t seem too unhealthy and babyish like the rest of my stupid family. If you suggest he is wrong, you will get this sort of narcissistic defense as if he is activating some of the structures in this vast fortress he has constructed to protect himself. He won’t like it, but he won’t act babyish like the rest of them.
He’s insecure too (because the inability to admit you are wrong is evidence that you are insecure), but he is insecure in a much more structured and seemingly healthy way. That is because his defensive structure is very elaborated.
The idiot I discussed above has a poorly elaborated and very brittle and weak defensive structure. That’s why it is so easily penetrated, and they blow up all the time on the flip of a dime. I will say that my brother has a more mature defensive system because when he’s activating his defenses, he seems more like a grownup than a baby like the rest of my family. He’s exasperating, but in a way, he’s actually easier to deal with that the rest of them, and in an odd way, he’s actually healthier than the rest of them.
Or perhaps I just break down his defenses. I make it obvious that I won’t speak to him unless he acts like a human being, and I enforce that rule with a stick. He knows this so he’s sure to be on his best behavior when he talks to me, which is almost never. Or perhaps his personality disorder is fading as he ages, which is often the case. No one is quite sure why personality disorders often fade as we get older. It’s a good question. Schizophrenia and anxiety disorders also tend to get better in middle age. I guess we just settle down in our middle years.
When he talks to me these days, which is rarely, he’s as healthy as he’s ever been. We’ve had a rocky relationship forever, but there were times all along where we got along famously like two loving brothers. Then a while later it would be war again. This shows when you put very strict rules on people and enforce them with a stick, you can often force even some pretty pathological people to act better. There is no way to force any such rule on my sister because she’s too unhealthy, poorly defended, and insecure to follow any sort of rules. She would see it as an insult that she is even being required to follow rules at all.
Whereas my brother knows deep down inside that he’s an asshole and that everyone hates him for it, and he knows a lot of us won’t put up with his shit. It’s weird how the only person in my family with an actual full-blown Axis 2 disorder seems healthier deep down inside than the other members of my family. Maybe because he has such a highly elaborated structure, and furthermore, he is very interested in “acting adult” at all times – something my other family members are not interested in.
Perhaps an elaborated structure is more well-defended and robust than an immature, brittle, poorly defended structure. Throwing temper tantrums is generally not a good way to defend your ego. That’s what children do. If you habitually throw tantrums, you are not a grownup. You are a Goddamned child. Now quite possibly many to most people are overgrown children who never grow up and stay babies their whole lives. Well, fine, but I would appreciate if my readers were more healthy than that.
If I’m talking about you here, just realize that I am not saying you’re bad. I’m saying you’re unhealthy and you need to get more healthy. That’s all! And what’s wrong with that? If you can’t get more healthy, at least get a better defended and more mature and adult-appearing defense structure. Temper tantrums look adult 0% of the time.
Now we come to my father.
Sigh. I don’t really remember what he was like in the early days up until age 9 when he was a pretty mellow dude. The problems with his career, entirely self-generated, started when I was nine.
This is when his personality totally fell apart also, though he kept a highly elaborated defensive structure his whole life. Nevertheless, it was brittle and annoying on the surface, and he blew up in temper tantrums all time. He was a human volcano, always exploding if not in a big way, than a small way. He was always gritting his teeth and pounding on the table. Of course he was never wrong too. None of these people are. If you corrected him, he flipped. He would pound the table and say, “That’s a quibble!” Well, if you are mature, you should be able to handle people correcting even your quibbles. I am. Me erroring in a quibble is better than me erroring in a big way.
These people are all “emotional terrorists.” If you correct them, tell them that they are wrong, criticize them, or bring up one of their countless banned subjects (banned because they are too babyish to discuss them), they terrorize you with a tantrum.
So you stop doing it. You stop correcting them, telling them that they are wrong, and criticizing them because of the threat of a terrorist attack called a tantrum. You avoid the banned subject so they don’t set off their tantrum suicide bomb vest. They often get their way by throwing tantrums until people give in to their selfish demands. “If you don’t give in to my selfish demands, I will throw a terrorist temper tantrum!”
Most people just cave in rather than try to enforce any reasonable rules on these people. Oh one more thing. These people all hate to have rules of boundaries on them. Rules and boundaries are insults because in their selfish, shitty minds they should be able to do whatever the Hell they want. These people are not babies. Instead they are permanent teenagers! They’re perverse. Perverse means you tell someone to sit down and the stand up. Like that.
Further, the implication is that the rule needed to be set because you were acting bad in some way, and that’s an insult right there because all of these people are never wrong. If you set rules for these people, they often resentfully and deliberately break them in a passive-aggressive way. They break the rule simply to show their contempt for it. It’s also more terrorism. “If you don’t let me do whatever the Hell I want to do and try to put some boundaries or rules on me, I will violate all of your boundaries and break all of your rules in mini-terrorist attacks against you!” More emotional terrorism.
With these people, when they talk, they will of course say all sorts of wrong things and get their facts wrong all the time because all of us do that, yours truly included.
Hey. My name is not God. I don’t know everything. I want to know the facts. I don’t want to know any lies about anything. So when I say things that are wrong, I am grateful to be corrected. Thank you for fixing one of my many errors in facts! Now I have a more factual way of looking at life, as small as it is.
I don’t wish to be deluded about much of anything except maybe things regarding myself, but deep down inside, I am not even deluded about those things either. I walk around believing complete lies about myself all the time because I function so much better that way, but deep down inside, I know they are lies. The truth is unbelievably depressing and even though it is true, I don’t care to believe it. If I walk around believing those depressing truths all the time, I will almost appear down, unhealthy and lacking in confidence. I don’t wish to come across that way because it seems like that doesn’t work very well.
“Facing reality” is often one of the worst things you can do. Escapism of all sorts has its benefits in greater mental health and probably even greater life expectancy via reduced suicidality.