Alt Left: Trans Identity Politics: Dialogue with a Tranny

– Hey there, he-she’s, what’s up?

– Well, for starters, you can quit implying we’re confused. We’re not baffled at all. We just can’t figure out which of the two sexes we are. It’s so hard to figure out, you know? Have some sympathy. Mental illness is a bitch. How’d you like to be a crazy tranny like me?

– Ok, well, I keep forgetting. Sometimes I think you’re a dude. Sometimes I think you’re a chick. Other times I want to say the Hell with it and call you an amoeba.

– Stop the misgendering! You’re giving me a breakdown! I’m going to use this knife to cut my arm some more, and after that, I’ll have to check into the mental hospital again!

– Shoot, I’m sorry. Can I just call you “they” and “them?”

– Damn right you can, cis scum!

– Ok, ok, calm down. But as a friend, really. Don’t you think you ought to treat this raging mental illness? The Hell with stigma. Don’t be afraid to seek help! Life’s not easy for any of us. Hell, I’m half nuts myself just like everybody else.

– Fuck your transphobic ass! I’m not crazy, dammit!

– Ok, ok, ok. But why do you have more DSM disorders than anyone I know? Why do you spend half your time in the hospital in a straightjacket.

– I’m fine, dammit. It’s you cis fucks being mean to me. That’s why I’m a basket-case. It’s all your fault.

– Ok, ok. Maybe you’re not nuts at all. Maybe you’re just eccentric. Maybe, maybe, just maybe they’re all crazy, and you’re the only sane one!

– Damn right, cis-boy. It’s a choice. We all choose our gender. One of my friends picked “giraffe” for his gender. Isn’t that cute? I hope he doesn’t break his neck. You know how he loves the taste of tree leaves.

– Whoa, wait. I can dig four genders. Guys, chicks, chicks who think they’re guys, and guys who think they’re chicks. They seem like they have a psychotic delusion but actually they don’t. They were born males but they really are females because they got a tit job and put on some makeup. It’s easy to be a girl. Just grab the nearest dress and a tube of lipstick and you’re on your way, my friend! Watch out for the monthlies, though? Whoa! Guys who think they’re chicks get PMS too.

– Damn right we do. Men get menstrual cramps. See? Both words have “men” in them? Hint hint.

– Ok, man whatever. The world is a strange place. I just saw a ghost whisk by you as a matter of fact. So there are four sexes, I can dig it.

– Nope! What are you, a male TERF?

– Huh? I’m still not doing good enough? I’m sorry, sir. How can I better a better servant to your Devianthood?

– Well, first of all, you can get rid of this idea of sexes in the first place. Sexes don’t exist. They just seem to, but it’s an illusion because we’re all gigantic amoebas on two legs!

– Whoa! I always knew I was pond scum, but I never knew it was this bad.

– It is. There are no boys or men! We’re all sissies. Not quite. You’re penis-havers! Even some women have dicks, so they’re one of the boys too! And there are women who are basically dudes with vaginas, hairy backs, clits as big as porn cocks, and boyish good looks.

– Whew. Well, ok, I’m a penis-haver. Not a bad identity. Hell, I do most of my thinking with my Lower Head anyway. The Top Head’s not good for much more than overthinking and forgetting social rules, so it’s more of a liability. Too many brain cells is a bad thing! Most people hardly have any, so if you have as much grey matter as Einstein, you really stick out.

– I’m sure you get a lot of dates, bookworm. No, really, girls like pencil-necked geeks named Poindexter!

– Ok, cool, so Man World is really Penis Haver’s World. Let the dick-measuring begin! I’m almost seven inches anyway, so I’ll beat 85% of these smalldicks. But what about the womyn?

– No such thing. Even Miss Lindsay Graham’s not really a broad!

– Damn. Really? He’s more girly than Scarlet O’Hara.

– So what? Everyone’s kinda genderqueer anyway. We’re all somewhere in the middle with the femboys and the traps and the studs and the dykes! So there’s no such thing as womyn, same as no such thing as men. There are dick-havers, and, yep, there are vagina-havers. Vagina-havers can get pregnant, whether they are “men” or “women.” Of course men can get pregnant! Transmen get knocked up all the time! Get with it. You’re an old fogey.

– Wow, this is confusing.

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