How to Fight Back Against a Tireless Psychobitch

Ever had someone you were with all the time, say a girlfriend, who would not stop attacking you for hours on end no matter how much you fight back, nothing works? If that’s all she’s doing, just get rid of her. Throw her in the trash and let the next sucker pick up the garbage. But if she’s an evil bitch half the time, and the ultimate love of your life the other half the time, and an insatiable nympho for hours on end every day, maybe you want  to put up with some some shit if only to collect the loot when she’s done.

I had a girlfriend like that once. She was my worst enemy on Earth for the first half of the day, and then for the second half, she loved me more than any woman before. But of course that’s how it works.

It was pretty fun in a sick way. Everywhere we went in the daytime, as she beat up on me all the time and I tried every flawed strategy I could to stop her (and of course nothing worked) I found myself settling into my best serial killer imitation, “I’m going to kill you, bitch.” We’re at the supermarket shopping. She’s bitching me out while we’re in line. I look at her. “I’m going to kill you, you fucking bitch. As soon as we get home, I’m going to murder you. And I hope everyone in this store can see the look on my face and figure that out.”

If you’re with a hellion who won’t quit bitching you out, go ahead and try every trick in your little black bag. Mine’s as big as Felix’s. Nothing’s going to work because nothing stops a bitch on a run like that. But go ahead and try them all anyway. One sure way to fight back though is just to settle into murderer mode. The whole time you are with her, just keep that thought in your head, “I’m going to murder you, you fucking bitch. As soon as we get home.”

Make sure you know you’re not going to do it! It makes you feel pretty good, nice and powerful, amidst the annoyance of all of that abuse. And if you do it right, you’re a hundred feet tall. Not many things in life will get you up to that size. From up on high like that, looking down at the peons scurrying like roaches below, it’s a Hell of a fine view.

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