A Good Host Assaults His Guests

Repost from the old site.
A few years ago, I used to be really nice, and for a long time, no one much came over. I’d socialize with the guy downstairs and with my roommate, but that was about it other than trips to the coffee shop. No one was coming over all that much. There was me, my roommate, and my computer. Long nights writing. It’s true I didn’t have much of a social life, but I rationalized it all away.
I had friends, but they usually didn’t come over, and I did not go over there. I was living a pretty normal introverted life that a lot of writer-types probably lead, but it was dissatisfying.
There is nothing wrong per se with people keeping to themselves, being introverts, having a few friends, or maybe even having no close friends outside of family. Thing is, I’m a bit of an extrovert in a way.
Introvert though I am, I do like to be around people. Visitors coming over every day is a great thing. And it’s a good day if I went and knocked on a friend’s door. It’s nice to hear the cell phone racket ringing with my friends at all hours of the day and night, and it’s nice to call a friend on the phone.
All of these things are values, that when lacking, make life seem to me somewhat impoverished and ridiculous. If you go out somewhere, it’s better to have at least a somewhat warm interaction even with a clerk or someone in a waiting room than a cold or unfriendly reaction. I even go out every day to a coffee shop just to get my human fix, and hopefully it’s not totally unpleasant and rejecting.
So here you have in me a peculiar mixture of introvert and extrovert, which is probably what most folks are. Loners are fine, but it’s unsatisfying to me. And extreme extroversion is exhausting to me. I like people around a good part of the time, and then I like to be alone. I’m reading and writing, but others are in my home. It’s paradise.
What is odd is that recently I have taken to assaulting my house guests, and now I have more folks coming over than ever. Plus I went and banned a bunch of people who used to come over, often on relatively minor grounds. Now you have to be 18 to walk in the door, and there is a good-sized ban list. You would think I would be a pariah, but everyone wants in the door, even the underage and the banned. Go figure.
I also made a really hardass, Nazi rule list that everyone knows about. Violations can get a harsh warning or even a temporary eviction. The rule list is not hard – it just asks people to act like humans and not wild animals – but a lot of folks can’t seem to manage that these days.
In addition to bans, age limits and rule lists, I have also started to assault guests when they violate the rules. It would be better if I would just assault them at random for no reason whatsoever, but I am not so good at being totally crazy at the moment.
So when guests violate the rules, I assault them with a squirt bottle. Unfortunately there are a couple of squirt bottles around, so the guests arm themselves and fight back. Throw in some intoxicants, and it’s good immature fun for kids of all ages. You have grown adults hiding behind chairs and leaping out to ambush other grownups. Sometimes nothing beats regression.
Lately I have decided to up the ante. I have a small writing table. In response to some rule bans by my slob house guests, I picked up the writing table, charged across the room and threatened to assault the violators with it. I didn’t actually hit them of course, but the threat alone was a barrel of monkeys. I was hoping they would call the cops but unfortunately they never did.
Funny thing is since I have been attacking my guests, I have more company than ever. One wonders if folks just need to get attacked every once in a while, either due to a psychological need or to just to keep them in line.
I do recommend that you assault or threaten to assault your guests on occasion. Even the best guests get out of line, and a good host runs a tight ship. Anyway, folks can’t seem to get enough of it.
Check out the article. It’s now a therapy, Mean Therapy. I love it; how do I become a counselor? Let’s hope it sweeps the nation. Uncover your inner jerk today!

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0 thoughts on “A Good Host Assaults His Guests”

  1. I like ya Bob. I see where you are coming from. Only because I think I might be opposite. I feel like I’m a natural extrovert , but really crave being introverted. I feel a sense of calm and peace when I put the phone down and don’t talk to folks for a few days. I used to hide out in a cabin for 2 or 3 days with the dogs and that was a slice of heaven for me. I navigate my social obligations with ease and pick up friends alla a time , but don’t mind telling someone to fuck off if the situation warrants. More and more I want the solitude of the cabin ….
    And given the criteria for the topic, well , there’s sparring gloves and mats here @ casa de toomey. Many a guest have been bruised and then nursed with cold alcoholic beverages and ibuprofen. So I will proclaim myself ‘Host par Excellence’.

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