Confused Carla writes (most important part italicized):
Hi, can you help me with this one? I am not sure if my bf is gay, straight or bi. He is very feminine. When I first heard him talk, I thought he was gay. He is very skinny and conscious about his body. I noticed he checks out guys more than girls when we go out, but he definitely checks out girls too. He does want to have sex with me all the time though, and yes, that includes eating.
He said he has done threesomes because the male of the couple was attracted to him, but he said he hasn’t done/been done anal to, but did a lot of things which he did not specify. He insisted he is straight, but when I asked him if he was bisexual, his answer was, “I do whatever feels good.” I asked him if he would have sex if a very attractive guy approaches him, and his answer was, “I will cross that bridge when I get there.”
One friend of mine says he’s gay, another friend says he just likes attention or he has ADHD. Help before I fall too deep!
I wrote a post on how you can tell if a man is gay or not. You can’t, really, but there are a few things you can start to look at once you know the guy pretty well. As a result, I get quite a few comments like this from confused women wondering about their confusing boyfriends. I understand male sexuality very well because I’ve been exposed closely to males of various orientations, I am observant, and I have a very open and analytical mind.
110-0 Maximum heterosexual, minimal gay
90-10 Maximum heterosexual, incidental gay
80-20 Maximum heterosexual, more than incidental gay
70-30 Maximum heterosexual, considerable gay
60-40 Maximum heterosexual, strong gay but not as strong as straight
50-50 Pure bisexual, maximal drive to both males and females with no preference
40-60 Maximum gay, very strong straight but slight preference for gay
30-70 Maximum gay, considerable straight
20-80 Maximum gay, more than incidental straight
10-90 Maximum gay, incidental straight
0-100 Maximum gay, minimal straight
Behavior does not always run the same as orientation, but it often mirrors it pretty strongly. However, many bisexual men simply never act on their feelings. If they have very strong feelings for females, there’s no need to go exploring.
Based on this guy’s description, I would say that his orientation is a strong bisexual, possibly 40-60 or 30-70. I don’t agree with the friend who says he is gay. That’s just not possible in any way.
He seems to be more interested in males than females, but he also has a strong attraction to females. Males of this type can typically marry, have kids, raise a family and live a normal life. In some cases, they probably simply never choose to act on their strong gay attractions.
However, I have known a few strong bisexual men in my life (including a couple of my best friends), and I would say that in a lot of cases, these guys, while holding off on their urges for a long time, eventually give in to them. T
hey often give into them first when they are young, about age 19-23. There is then a period of bisexual behavior that follows.
In one case I followed up on into his early 30’s, he married, has kids and lives in suburbs. I feel that he gave up his gay behaviors, and he’s just with his wife now.
In another case, the last I heard of the guy, he was in his mid-20’s, and he was living with a woman in a house in Santa Barbara.
This is probably a typical trajectory for these types.
However, his behavior is heterosexual, and a strong one at that. He clearly loves women, and he loves to have sex with them. He has a very strong sex drive. Apparently he has already had sex with a man as part of a threesome, and it looks like he doesn’t want that to be his last time. As long as he is young, he is likely to go exploring some more. By his 30’s, I would be willing to bet he might be settled into a straight life.
For Confused Carla, I would say that as long as she is with this guy, he is going to display strong interests towards men and will have a strong urge to act on those feelings. She’s not going to be able to stop him. She either needs to get on board with this stuff or leave him.