On "Momma's Boys"

Steve writes:

I think the mama’s boy thing is a bit of a non-issue to men. Most men are perfectly comfortable with loving their mum.
The only girls to ever tease me in that way were Mauritian Hindu girls. It did annoy me. Not because I was ashamed of being close to my mum but because they were dissing my masculinity. At the same time I felt that the implication wasn’t true that being close to your mum detracts from your masculinity. I thought ‘yeah I love my mum, so what?’
Men know deep down that their mum is the one who really loves them unconditionally and it matters to them. Often men’s mums have helped them through a lot too. I remember a tough guy ex drug dealer, who was described to me as an animal when it came to fighting, told me that his dad was a bastard who mistreated him but him mum was his ‘angel’.
You get black thugs and gangsters who are fiercely devoted to their mothers who brought them up alone. Also, Lennox Lewis, the ex heavyweight champion of the world (baddest man on the planet), was always seen with his mum and known to be close to her.
Drop the mama’s boy thing girls. We don’t care. Jealous or something?
I guess its supposed to imply a a little boy who goes crying to his mum or something but we are men and we love our mum. Get over it. It doesn’t mean shit about shit. 😀

The whole “Momma’s boy” thing is a huge issue to girls and women, but it’s basically a non-issue to men and boys. Men and boys don’t really care whether some guy is a “Momma’s boy” or not. It’s not important. What’s more important is the question, “Is he masculine or not?”
Let’s give the example of prison inmates. These are some of the hardest, toughest, baddest guys in the whole country. No argument there. They are off the charts in terms of masculinity. The vast majority of them have “Mom” tattooed somewhere on their bodies. They all love their Mommas. The vast majority of them also hate their fathers. Clearly loving your mother and hating your father doesn’t turn you gay!
However, the extent that hating your father is a problem, many criminals and antisocial types do indeed hate their fathers. Gay men don’t have a great relationship with them either because the son’s effeminate behavior probably bothered the father. Many to most of my friends hated their fathers. Not one of them was gay. A recent survey should that 37% of all men dislike their fathers.
A much more serious problem than men loving their mothers is men hating their mothers. I do not like to be pessimistic, but a man who hates is mother is not in a good place psychologically. I believe it is possible to hate your mother and still end up in good shape psychologically. However, many men who hate their mothers also end up hating or disliking women in general. A very large percentage or rapists and serial killers who target women hate their mothers.
It’s possible for a man to be overly attached to his mother, this is true. Many masculine men who love their mothers don’t necessarily listen to everything they say or obey them. Surely the prisoners above don’t listen to their mothers all that much. Obviously their mothers don’t approve of their behavior, but the men don’t care much whether she approves or not.
Many mothers try to inhibit their sons’ masculinity in various ways. In particular, they dislike it when their sons (especially their young sons) begin having sex. It’s important for boys and men to not listen to their mothers when their mothers try in various ways to stop them from having sex. Most players and womanizers have mothers who disapprove of their behavior. The players love their mothers, but they don’t listen to them when it comes to sex.
The truth is that the vast majority of mothers are going to love you anyway no matter what your sex life is like or how many or how few women you sleep with.
My own mother pretty much told us not to be Momma’s boys. She gave the example of Karl Menninger, who she spitefully called a Momma’s boy. This man, one of the top psychiatrists in the country, called up his mother to ask her whether he and his wife should have a baby. My Mom made it clear that no grown man should be asking his mother’s permission to such a thing.
So really the best mothers should love you unconditionally as the best mothers do but at the same time should discourage men from being a Momma’s boy. Momma’s boys do not reflect well on either the son or the mother.
Yes, I have been called this, especially by women. Why, I don’t know. For a while there, quite a few people thought I was gay. Even women did. Even women I was dating did. Even women who I was having tons of sex with all the time did. Go figure.
I remember this one bitch, I was at her place. I mentioned my mother and she spitefully laughed, “Your mother!” Some asshole guys joined in the cackling. I was actually sleeping with this bitch at the time. I am not sure what she was trying to say, either that I was unmasculine or that I was gay, I don’t know.
Another time I was 20 and had a 16 year old girlfriend. We were having sex all the time, and my Mom didn’t dig it. She said she was too young, and it was illegal. Well, she was right. Nowadays guys doing this get arrested of child molestation charges, get called pedophiles, get sentenced to 10 years in prison and have to register as sex offenders for the rest of their lives. But back then things were saner. I told my teenage girlfriend my mother didn’t approve, and she went ballistic on me.
Females in general are hung up on the Momma’s boy bullshit for psychological reasons. The females you are involved with feel they are competing with the mother for the attention of the man.
In most of the world, this is no big deal as it is considered normal for the son to be very close to the mother (see Mediterranean Europe, Latin America, the Arab World, South Asia, Southeast Asia and Northeast Asia for example).
However, in the West, wives and girlfriends see the mother as a competitor for affection. If they think he listens to her too much or likes her more than he likes them, they get pretty nutty. At that point, the man becomes a “Momma’s boy” which is really an attack on his masculinity. Verbally, your woman is kicking you in the nuts and saying you’re not a man.
Western (Jewish) psychiatry – primarily heavily Jewish psychoanalysis – made a huge deal about “Mommism” and how it supposedly fucked up men. Considering that Jewish guys are about the biggest Momma’s boys on Earth, this obsession is curious and smacks at some sort of denial and projection defense mechanism.
Truth is that in nations like Italy who have whole countries full of millions of Momma’s boys of all ages. Italian men are extremely virile and masculine, and there is little evidence that “Mommism” has had any detrimental effects whatsoever there. Truth is that there is little empirical psychological data that “Mommism” along Italian lines (which is also practiced in much of the world) is harmful to men in any way.

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0 thoughts on “On "Momma's Boys"”

  1. “”wives and girlfriends see the mother as a competitor for affection.””
    That shows you just how stable many of these wives and girlfriends are in North America. I never knew a guy who resented a woman’s strong relationship with her father. In fact I’ve known many guys, myself included, who find this relationship very touching. A father is the first man a woman comes in contact with, and if she learns to trust him, she will learn to trust her future mate. Feminism has damaged north American women by robbing them of their fathers and hence stunting their normal emotional development

    1. Even in Indian cultures where feminism is not as fucked up as the USA, wives and mothers-in-law still compete for the man’s affection. The “saas bahu” fights are some of the most spiteful ever. At least westerners are quite decent about it. Indians bring this shit to a whole different level.
      Also, it is not necessarily true that if a woman trusts her father, she will trust her man. It also depends on her friends. Bitches need validation from their co-bitches. In that case, even asshole guys will easily be trusted by their girlfriends once her bitch friends give their approval. Ultimately, the only good, dependable girls that I have encountered here in the US are catholic girls. Not even stupid ass bible thumping country bumpkin protestants. Catholics. Period. I don’t pursue religious girls unless they show a strong interest in me. This has happened exactly once (spring 2011) where the girl’s sister was a church going lesbian and she was a cool chick too. But it turned out, she was too cool for me. I was her Indian “collection” lol. I don’t mind though ;). She was basically a northerner who moved south.

      1. I’m not entirely convinced that the Saas bahu fights are about competing for the man’s affection. In a lot of ultra patriarchal cultures, its the women themselves who play a large role in perpetuating patriarchy. That’s one of the secondary messages of the documentary “the veiled revolution.” Lets not forget that women also participate in honour killings, something which the lamestream media often ignores. There might be some competition to be sure, especially with newly weds, but Bhabi blows it out of proportion. Indian family structures are remarkable stable. It’s the one redeeming aspect of Indian culture.

        1. True. It may even be that the mom is haunted by a perception that her son will be gone for good. Could even be money. Like in the wife is taking all her hard earned money away. Who the hell knows? Women and all their fickleness!

        2. Aakash
          Funny thing is, I’ve heard from friends that क्यों की साँस भी कभी बहू थी is quite popular in Pakistan 🙂
          Apparently a lot of their shows are hand me down soaps from India lol

      2. “Even in Indian cultures where feminism is not as fucked up as the USA, wives and mothers-in-law still compete for the man’s affection. ”
        Thats one of the main reasons I oppose the Desi joint family structure. My god, the mother-in-law has her own husband from which to get affection, why does she compete for the affection of another woman’s husband? Its ridiculous, creepy and what in any other culture would be termed “emotional incest”.
        Desi men need to move out of their parents’ homes and live separately with their wives upon marriage at the very latest and the very least.

        1. “Desi men need to move out of their parents’ homes and live separately with their wives upon marriage at the very latest and the very least.”
          I agree and especially for desi men, if not for American men. Even in the Chinese culture, which is a lot like India in social structure, it is considered abominable for a parent to interfere in the personal lives of their (married) children. In Desi parlance, it is considered showing ‘love and care’ to be nosy where a nose is not needed. It is yet another form of social control over people’s lives.

    2. “I never knew a guy who resented a woman’s strong relationship with her father. ”
      In Desi culture men do not move into their wives’ parents’ home so its a non issue. On the other hand Desi women are expected to live with their mother and father in laws so its an issue.

      1. Bhabi
        This debate with you is utterly pointless. Do you know why Indian men never move out? Because Indian culture is a collectivist culture and as Aakar Patel points out, the most basic unit of consensus is the family. The Indian’s identity is collective and so is his behavior. Most of this is thanks to Hinduism’s caste system which addresses groups, and not individuals. The tit for tat mob violence which is the hallmark feature of Indian riots bears a striking resemblance to the Tribal violence of Pre-Islamic Arabia.
        So instead of practicing pop Hinduism in the States and bitching about the symptoms in a European language which most Indians don’t have access to, why don’t you learn an Indian language (there’s an idea) and engage the people there?

        1. Another thing Bhabi, if you’re going to respond with crap along the lines of ”well if they individuate from their parents the resulting individualism will dismantle caste” please don’t bother. It’s bad enough that you’re an ABCD who can’t even speak an Indian language, but don’t make it that obvious.

  2. I agree with the ‘mothers will try to restrict your sexual options’ part. Kind of like how a dad tries to control the sexuality of his daughter. This is why I also agree that men shouldn’t listen to their parents for dating advice, which is usually on the lines of “don’t do X, be a good son and you’ll make a good husband”.

  3. Bobby and Steve, it has nothing to do with “loving” one’s mother. Remember, we females love our mothers too, yet in South Asian culture we are expected to move out of our parents home and into our husband’s parents home after the wedding. What about all us “mama’s girls” and “daddy’s girls”? How come it only goes one way in Desi culture?
    Anyway, love and respect for one’s parents is a good thing, obviously. When it becomes unhealthy is when the child fails to individuate from the parents in young adult, or ever. And that is a major issue in South Asian cultures for the men due to the joint family arrangement wherein girls are expected to individuate from their parents upon adulthood and marriage by moving out of the parental home, but the boys are never expected to, ever and are in fact SHAMED for doing so.
    By the way Bobby, regarding the blog about Italian men, on the one hand you say macho men are not mama’s boys, then on the other hand you say Italian men are mostly macho and who cares if their living with mom into their 30s. Huge contradiction there.
    You also claim its part of Italy’s culture but the Italian commenter Paolo said no, it is not part of traditional Italian culture for people to live with their parents beyond early 20s, but that it is due to unemployment in Italy.
    Bobby, could you please do me a favor? Over the last 3 days I’ve posted several comments here but can’t find them now. Could you search for them and link them all here for me? Thanks Bob!

  4. Atheist Indian, “I agree and especially for desi men, if not for American men. Even in the Chinese culture, which is a lot like India in social structure, it is considered abominable for a parent to interfere in the personal lives of their (married) children. In Desi parlance, it is considered showing ‘love and care’ to be nosy where a nose is not needed. IT IS YET ANOTHER FORM OF SOCIAL CONTROL OVER PEOPLE’S LIVES.”
    ^^^^^^THIS.

  5. My boyfriends mum is passive-aggressive, overprotective and extremely manipulative. It’s hard to see a future with someone who’s mother treats him like a small child, bosses him around and dictates his decisions. Everyone is too frightened of her sudden rage/uncontrollable sobbing to do anything other than what she wants.
    I know that if I were to marry him, he would insist on living 5 minutes away from her, so she can pop in whenever she wants. She would dictate the wedding, and I hate to think about how she would be about grandchildren.
    There is definitely a line, this is my definition of a ‘mummy’s boy’

  6. Where I live, the assumption is that if you can’t take of yourself, your a wussy, and a mama’s boy. Hence, it’s a major insult. It’s especially common in middle school, where kids, especially girls, like to mock weaker guys.

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