Pedophilia Versus POCD Redux

Anonymous wrote:

I’ve had pure O my whole life. As a child it was both religion and contamination related. As I got older it turned into health and contamination related. (I became an atheist and stopped caring about intrusive anti-religious thoughts.)
But here’s where it gets a little tricky. When I was 10 years old and just discovering my sexuality, I noticed that I especially had a fondness for girls who were 5-7 years old. I knew this was much different than others my age, and felt quite guilty about it. I was also attracted to 10 year olds, however.
As I got older, every time I saw a cute little girl, I would avert my eyes and repeat to myself in my mind “I’m not a pedophile, I’m NOT a pedophile.” It felt very much like the intrusive thoughts from my OCD and happened constantly. This continued until around 16 years old.
At this point, I became interested in anime and the primary school aged characters in these shows. I talked to others who were interested in animated little girl characters also. At this point, I was still having intrusive thoughts, but being interested in the fictional characters didn’t bother me at all.
And then, in the same places where I was discussing these fictional characters, people would also often post pictures of elementary school girl models and actresses. I began masturbating to these photographs, but every time I would feel immensely guilty and hate myself for it.
Awhile later, I met a 6 year old girl. She began visiting us often. I just fell in love. In no other time in my life had I felt this way before. She was a joy to be around and extremely beautiful. We became very close, and I cared for her more than anything. After meeting her, all intrusive thoughts stopped and I accepted my attraction as normal for me.
I’m now in the my early 20s, and have very little interest in women. The pedophilic intrusive thoughts are no longer there, only the ones based on health worries and contamination remain.
I do have sexual thoughts about young girls, but I see them as normal for me now. Although when I see a cute girl that I’m interested in, it’s closer to crushing than lust. “Oh wow, she’s so beautiful.” The girls that I tend to like are between the ages of 5 and 11. They are just so cute.
Now, based on this information, do you think I have a pedophilic orientation? Or do you think it’s possible that I had POCD and just gave up fighting it?
A few things to consider: I would never touch a girl, I know it’s wrong.
It also has nothing to do with being dominant. I actually find the idea of dominating a young girl extremely disgusting.
It also is not only physical, I am extremely attracted to the personalities of very young girls, and just hanging out and playing games with them have been the best experiences I’ve ever had in my life.

This is a fascinating post. It shows that someone can have both OCD and pedophilia, so the notion that OCD’ers are too good or too moral to develop pedophilia is not correct.
Pedophilia in my opinion is simply a sexual orientation like homosexuality, bisexuality or heterosexuality. It can’t be much changed like any of those. There are countless gay and bisexual OCD’ers. I know because I have talked to many of them. Surely there must be some OCD’ers with a pedophilic orientation.
It’s probably better for a pedophile to have OCD than to not have it. The OCD pedophile will be a lot less likely to act on his urges due to his extreme morality, guilt and conscientiousness. The OCD will act as an inhibitor towards acting on the pedophilia.
I am absolutely certain that he has pedophilia. There’s no way that he could possibly have POCD and just gave up fighting it. Though it shows that there are some similarities between POCD and true pedophilia, and this shows how differential dx is so difficult with these cases.
I am actually sorry to hear that he has no attraction to adult females, but perhaps this is his normal orientation. I wish he had an adult attraction so he could live and love happily and legally in our society. As is, his sex life may well be barren or solitary and his love life may be thwarted.
However, many pedophiles are absolutely happy with their orientation and love being this way. He seems like he is too. I am very glad to see that he is happy with his orientation and his sexual and love desires. I love to see people who are happy. I agree that him that he should not act on this orientation as it’s illegal.
If he ever wants to have a real sex life with a female or really fall legally in love with a female, he will need to expand his love map to include adults, though most pedophiles have no interest in doing this. In fact, many to most pedophiles say that even if there was a cure for pedophilia, they would not take the cure.
I also love females of all ages. I love females period. Little girls are wonderful in a special way as a special kind of female, though I see them as seeds of women rather than fully formed entities and I see women as the fully town product rather than girls that moved on.
But there’s a girl inside every woman, and a budding woman inside every girl. If you love females, you learn to love the sprouted seed of girl in the woman and the sprouting woman in the girl. In a way, they are one and the same – females at different stages.
I actually like teenage girls a lot more than little girls. Little girls seem ridiculous to me, and there’s little sexual attraction there. I had a world full of good and great times with teenage girls, often sexual, when I was young, and I think about those wonderful days all the time. When I see teenage girls, I reminisce. About the teenage girls that I knew and loved, who will live forever in my heart.
Though when I do meet a teenage girl nowadays, they seem silly to me, and I can’t see getting involved with them. I would not do it even if it was legal. But the teenage girl is definitely a special type of female – not a girl and not a woman. Not better than a woman or a girl but only different.
I probably like adult females 18+ best of all, since they are legal. I like teenage girls who are fully developed, around age 16-17 because to me that’s just a woman. But their immaturity is a massive turnoff. Even young women of college age often turn me off now because they seem to immature and silly.
A fully formed and mature woman is not only maximally attractive to me (all females age 16+ are maximally attractive to me) but her mind is also fully matured, and that is a massive turn-on to me as I get older. Sex and love is more than just a hot body you know. And the fully formed and fully matured woman has a joyous wonder and glory about her that is equal to if not superior to that the teenage girl and the girl. All the female maturational types are wonderful in their own special ways.

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8 thoughts on “Pedophilia Versus POCD Redux”

  1. Get married for keeps; raise a family with a trustworthy wife, according
    to God’s instruction in a Holy Bible. Be firmly loyal to her, and joy the
    blessings of REAL FAMILY LIFE, with little, growing children., we cam watch mature to become joyful, mature CHAMPIONS!
    That is the reason a man and woman, not a man & man OR a woman &
    woman, eventually become intense failures.
    “IT ISN’T NICE TO FOOL MOTHER NATURE!”
    (A single old batchelor’s advice).
    Joe Spenner

  2. I have been in love with this girl for 7 years. In that time I was in a 5 year relationship with another girl and was engaged to be married. I thought about this other girl almost all the time, so much so that it eventually broke apart my relationship. The hardest part for me is that we are best friends, and it’s either the best thing, or the the worst thing that she moved in with me. I know that she cares for me a lot…like a brother. That’s like saying “ew your disgusting. i will never sleep with you.” I am not unattractive however, and girls constantly like me. They do nothing for me. I only want her, and of course I can’t have her. I thought maybe If she lived with me i’d find something I didn’t like about her, that irritated me, and I would lose feelings. Like a complete moron I am, I made these feelings stronger. I wasn’t getting the signals!! She comes back from across the country after 3 years and specifically wants to move in with me. ME! I was in a dream land. All our friends call us married. We argue about insignificant things. We sleep in separated beds. We even shared a bachelor suite at one time. We have everything in common. I’m always happy when she’s around. I make her laugh. I know I am valuable to her..but how much, I do not know. Perhaps If I become more authoritative, and put myself in a position of power(that’s not simply jealously killing every man she hooks up with) I will work on being happy, I’t’s hard when one of your friends sleeps with the woman you love in your own bed, and makes out with your other friend in front of you, or in your car while you’re there to. Maybe I’m invisible. Perhaps she does it to see what I will do.

  3. Lindsay,
    I am also a repressed pedophile; never have I been able to feel the slightest inkling of attraction for a mature woman except by imagining her as a little girl, or fantasizing about the cut little girl we could possibly have as a daughter…
    I’ve had girlfriends but never felt aroused during sex except when intensely fantasying about little girls. Whenever I have a wet dream, it invariably involves preteen girls (between the age of 2 and 10).
    The only thing that helps somewhat is smoking a lot of pot and simply avoiding the mere sight of little girls. But whenever I walk through a supermarket or public transport I invariably find myself having culpable desires, which it takes a lot of anxiety/suicidal thoughts to repress.
    I feel drawn to using more potent/illegal drugs (opiates, cocaine) in order to numb my restless mind. Perhaps hard-drugs should be available on prescription for people suffering from pedophilia. What’s worse, a drug addict or a pedophile?
    Though I’d love to have a daughter, I know that it would be criminal insanity to even think about it. I hate pedosexual criminals, but deep down I feel that if I just had a slightly lower IQ/impulsivity, I’d probably be in prison at this point.

  4. Hi Robert,
    Interesting post. It would be interesting to know if the individuals who believed they are genuinely attracted to young girls have also been diagnosed with a pervasive developmental disorder of some sort (e.g. autism spectrum disorder). It could be a form of delayed emotional maturity or some type of counterfeit deviancy rather than a genuine desire… On the face of it, it may appear to be pedophilia, but dig a little deeper and there may be some maladaptive coping strategy at play. I’m not saying this is the case here, but I suspect it could be for quite a lot of people out there. Throw sexual obsessions (common in both OCD and ASD) and emotional immaturity /social awkwardness (common in ASD) together and you may have the perfect storm.
    I’m certainly no professional, but from what I can tell, the diagnostic manuals are too rigid in their definitions. Even DSM 5 doesn’t seem to consider concepts like counterfeit deviance, let alone the range of causative factors behind these behaviours. Instead it relies on labelling the symptoms as the primary disorder. Psychiatry seems to want to rigidly box/label people in to neat little categories (probably just for medico-legal reasons), but human behaviour is too complex with so many grey areas.
    Cheers.

    1. Pedophilia has nothing to do with counterfeit deviancy or emotional immaturity or anything like that. Nor are pedophiles any more autistic or socially awkward than anyone else. Pedophilia is a sexual orientation with an onset at a very young age, no later than 13 or at the most 14 and often before.

  5. Hi Robert,
    My name is Daniel and Im a 21 year old male in college. Ive recently have been struggling greatly with what I believe to be POCD, and have read some of your articles as a way to relieve my self, and also to find differences between a true p, and POCD. I would greatly appreciate if you can read this email, and let me know what you think, as well as some measures I can take to deal with this abrupt change in my thinking. Please excuse the disorganization of this email its quite jumbled but I wanted to be as clear as possible and give you all the information I can.

    So, for as long as I can remember, Ive liked woman. Almost too much, I began watching pornography at a very young age, and engaged in sexual play at around 4-5 years old with a girl my age at the time (also 4-5). I first watched porn at 6 or 7, and began hyper watching it at around 12. Always the most popular videos and female porn stars. In school I was always attracted to the girls that matured quickly (meaning began having breasts or rounder butts and hips) In high school I had a girlfriend in grade 9 and had my first true sexual experience (a blowjob) I remember feeling kind of ashamed about it at first but then immediately thinking it was cool. I liked girls my age completely or the attractive teachers at my school, or the hot celebrities on tv, and I was always watching porn (still am). In grade 10 I fell in love with this girl who I finally managed to have sex with lose my virginity to when we were in grade 12. In my first year of college I met my first real girlfriend, and dated her for 2 and a half years. Our sex life was constant ive been told I have a very high sex drive, and I am admittedly a very hyper sexual person. In fact my relationship ended out of infidelity, I cheated on my girlfriend with an escort and was using lots of porn and live cam sites, also Ive been to strip clubs numerous times in the last year or so. I spilled the beans, told her and we broke up. Around this time I was also experimenting heavily with substances (MDMA, cocaine, ketamine, alcohol, and marijuana). Although mostly alcohol and weed. In December- March, I became preoccupied with HIV, thinking that I had caught it. I would spend days at a time googling, and checking for symptoms. I feared I had given it to my Ex, or my current girlfriend who I met in late February. In January I saw an escort again, and the next day became so freaked out that I went to the ER and. was given PEP, a fast treatment in the case of someone possibly getting HIV. However I wore a condom with any woman I had sex with besides long term partners, and was told by every sex health line I called, and clinician that my risk fo HIV was 0 and that I should not be taking this heavy medication.But yet I would still call and google everyday. Eventually I stopped worrying about it once I was tested several times, however, the feeling of having it still sometimes lingers. I began in November of last year, experiencing what I believe was severe dissociation, possibly from drug use. I had several panic attacks, and one I had one day just lingered and for about 3 weeks I felt like I was dreaming, Id became concerned that i was experiencing psychosis or schizophrenia. Doing online tests and asking family members and friends if I was, by checking to see if they hear and see the things I thought I was hallucinating, and without fail they always said yes you are fine. I remember, thinking for a day, that I had testicular cancer and went to the ER, only to wait 12 hours and for the doctor to say theres nothing, thats not a lump. So now it is September, and for little over a month now, I began to have horrible intrusive thoughts surrounding children. It is as if I woke up one day and started thinking I was a p. I remember what possibly triggered it. I was at home watching a video, from a camp I was in grade 8. There was a girl in the video that I recall being attracted to, and frankly was somewhat attractive throughout high school. I remember thinking. She was hot, or is hot I cant remember. A couple days after I recall seeing a video on instagram, that showed a man being kind of weird with his 6 year old daughter. I thought some people were making a bit of a big deal about it, accusing the man of pedophilic behaviour, and although the video was weird, I just thought it doesn’t seem that bad to accuse the man. After that, since I live by a daycare centre I remember zoning out and looking at the kids playing. I then realized that I may have been looking for to long, and then decided to go online to find if there was a pedophile test. I did it but it was ridiculous, I remember laughing at it because it asked questions like, do you like hot dogs and pizza, and who doesn’t like those things. It seemed like a troll test, and it said I was a p. A couple days later the thoughts began. The very sight of a child, a toy, a playground, a show, an image could trigger the thoughts. At first I avoided it, but my thoughts raged more and more, and i began seeing my girlfriend as a child. Granted she can be childlike, like many woman can. Through cuteness and what not and she is very submissive in fact in the beginning of these thoughts I used to love it when she called me daddy during sex, and Id call her baby or baby girl. But it began making me uncomfortable, for the first few weeks of this my libido was low, and Ive attempted to relax on my pornography consumption and have failed even though the thoughts persist. About a week or so into this, I panicked and went to the ER, I waited 12 hours just to be told that it seems as if I have OCD. However, I had read so much about POCD and pedophilia prior to the evaluation that Im not sure if i convinced myself of having POCD to hide the fact of a true desire. I then did a second and more thorough evaluation a few days after, and again was told this is all OCD, and was prescribed prozac, 10mg to start. However I began having what I heard are groinal responses towards the sight of a child not even really looking at them just if I saw one at the corner of my eye it be enough to trigger it. I would check for pre cum or errections. I would become panicked because i noticed id have pre cum in public with my GF but after we had kissed or been intimate and was unable to tell if it was because of a child or her. I would test myself by masutrbating to photos or thoughts to gage if i liked them. Once I was watching porn, and then went to a photo of a child and unfortunately finished and I felt so gross and nearly threw up. I hate these thoughts I hate checking, i hate googling, but I cant bring myself to stop. And now I dont know if I am a pedophile, or if this is POCD, especially when I cant tell if I have a desire sexually to check or a compulsion to. My psychiatrist said that I am not a p, and that I have POCD, but also said im bordering on delusion and prescribed me an anti psychotic. Ill take the prozac, but i refuse to take the antipsychotic, because I dont believe im imagining things, it just feels as if I am a p, and the thoughts, urges, and feelings feel very real. ill look at a child and check for attraction, and sometimes i really dont know what to think. My screen time is at nearly 10 hours a day from googling and redditing. And I conversations surrounding pedos and kids in general make me very uncomfortable and feel like there relevant to me, in fact anything to do with sexual deviants feel like there about me. If i hear a child’s laugh or cry, or anything makes me shiver, gives me a weird feeling, i get that sensation when i conjure the thoughts or if they happen randomly. I sometimes feel cursed for my sinful sexual behaviour, I notice flies land on me and that its a sign of the devil. I have a constant debate in my head if I am a p or not. I sometimes will ask myself a question and then look around the room or environment im in if i land on green it means yes, if i land on red it means no. Ive done this since i can remember with nearly any life question. I also noticed now that before i leave my house i take photos of the stove, the backdoor and front door, before i leave to ensure its locked and sometimes will still go back out of fear that its not or that i left something on, I realized by looking at my photo history that Ive done this since January. Sometimes the urges to check feel more like desires and I cant discern between the two. I often question if years of porn use and sexual activity has turned me into a deviant, whose attractions have widen to children. I notice I get at times thoughts far more briefly then children about men and family members but those are easier to dismiss because they last far less and seem way more out of proportion. Sometimes I fear going to jail and have this urge to seek CP, but I then feel repulsed and horrified at the idea. Sometimes the thoughts are horrifying sometimes there not and when there not i wonder why im not anxious or scared about them. I notice I also have doubt more so about female kids then male kids, but yet they are still there for both.

    Please Mr.Lindsay, I beg of you to give me some insight and for better or for worse at least reveal to me what you think this could be and mean? Im struggling very much I cant be present in my life or focus on nearly anything. The thoughts are constant and continue even when I try to distract myself. What I find hard to believe is that I never had symptoms of OCD, I was never an extremely anxious person nor did i have panic attacks, up until I was 20-21. All this has seemingly come out of nowhere, out of thin air. I dont know what to make of it, and at times I feel as if POCD is not real but rather an excuse, and as extension that OCD itself is an excuse for deviancy. I hope I am not on to catch a predator or become arrested or harm a child, or ruin my life and families life. Im a rather sociable person but this whole month Ive become so alienated, ignoring friends, family, and socializing recently I have gotten a bit better with it but still struggle especially when a kid is present. Ive read stories of people experiencing this when they are 12 or 14, and that the usual diagnosis for OCD is around that age. Can OCD develop later in life at this age? can pedophilia? Please help me sir, I really need answers. I lived 21 years being somewhat normal but this is absurd and I dont know how to feel, I was always good with kids never had a single sexual thought about them, i never even cared much for them despite just being protective and one day having some of my own, but now I have no idea if thats a good idea. Frankly a lot of people with OCD seem to be incredibly nice, emphatic, and dont necessarily partake in risk type behaviour but i have hurt people, done risky behaviour and in my past had issues with empathy. I used to laugh off ideas of anxiety and mental illness, thinking one can just overcome it, but now I hope with this diagnoses that this is OCD and that im not an awful person, who has messed up tendencies. Do i have a desire to hurt others? to self harm and self sabotage? this is what I often ask myself. And I dont know anymore. Please help me Mr.Lindsay, thank you!

    Sincerely,
    Daniel

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