It takes a while before you figure out exactly what it is that you are. Well, I have figured out that I am an introvert. I wasn’t always this bad of one, but this is what I have become anyway. I think I always had some tendencies, but they just got worse with time, and maybe with psychiatric stuff like OCD. Why hang around people if all they are going to do is treat you like you’re weird or crazy? Fuck that. I’m not weird, I’m not crazy, and if you think I am, well, hey, fuck you.
People are always telling me to have a good day or have a good night. Nothing wrong with that, but they always say it like they don’t think I am going to have a good day or a good night. Which is very insulting, because I generally am going to have a good day or night. One more thing, if they really think I am going to have a lousy day or night, why are they telling me to have a good one instead? Why not tell me to have a bad day or have a bad night? Sometimes I get mad. They say, “Have a good day,” in that insulting way, and I say, “No.” They look shocked. “No?” “Yes, no, I’m not going to have a good day. It’s already been a bad day so far, and I don’t think it’s going to pick up later on.” This makes people very upset and flustered, and they think it is really weird.
I must say I resent extroverts, because they have been persecuting me and generally making my life miserable and Hellish for decades now. I suspect they have been firing me from jobs too. I do tend to get fired, but it’s usually not for bad work, fucking off, calling in sick, showing up late, stealing or anything bad like that. It’s always personal – the boss starts hating me after a while. I suspect it might be because I’m an introvert.
At the last job I had, I heard that the boss (and maybe some of the co-workers) were getting really upset about me. They gave me these pitiful breaks every few hours. That year it was raining all the time. So, like a typical introvert, I would grab my umbrella, go outside in the rain and walk up and down the road basically watching the rainwater running down the sides of road like rivers. Mostly I was thinking. Just walking around in the rain, looking at the weather and the runoff, and thinking about stuff. You know, we introverts do that.
Well, the boss and I guess the rest of the staff couldn’t get it. They thought I was mentally ill or something. Apparently this was some kind of extremely profound and disturbing and possibly dangerous aberrant behavior I was engaging in. You know, walking around in the rain thinking about shit. Like humans have been doing since, when? The dawn of man? Well, I figured out that they were getting all weirded about what I was doing, so I had to quit doing it. But I resented that.
I just got read the riot act the other night for being an introvert. After all, it’s a great big pathology, now isn’t it? Another person who was there at the time kindly told me to try to be less shy or introverted or some such shit.
These people don’t get it. We’re always trying. I’ve been trying to “get over it” for a very long time now. Like, say, 24 years? Something like that. It’s a constant effort, or battle or whatever. It never ends. I’ll be fighting this until the day I die.
Funny thing was that I was quite extroverted when I was younger. I wonder how much of this is just illness?
There comes a point where you really ought to just embrace what you are, defend it and enjoy it. I already enjoy it. I’m happy. All the time. All by my lonesome too, a good part of the time. And happy as a clam. Instead of kicking yourself in the butt over it, why not cook up some great tomato penne pasta and eat it alone, like I just did?
This is the way we are. We’re trying to get over it, always trying. But we can’t. Um. Get over it. So…
Extroverts fuck off!