From An Unmarried Man, an excellent comment in the comments section. He’s quite a good writer. Check him out.
Today I was at a Superior Market east of L.A. and this tall Latina beauty was setting up a table for Cazadores Tequila (she was a Cazadores model, I suppose but didn’t have the greatest skin) and 3 hard-core Mexicanos walked up decked out in their best Mexigear and talking major Spanish smack and acting up in front of the vixen. They began to kick a roll of paper towels back and forth like a soccer ball. They were buying meat and ice and one of them was a really scary looking older fellow, ugly as sin.I just wonder if their party will be the scene of any casualties tonight.
OK, this part I don’t understand. They are acting macho and psycho in front of the babe because they think she likes it?
Around here, your average Mexican woman has a boyfriend who looks like he just got out of jail or prison or looks like he ought to be heading there and if you were a good citizen, you would talk to the cops to help show him the way. The Mexicana is usually a very nice, sweet, pleasant woman with a nice desk job in some professional office somewhere. At the end of the day, in comes hubby or her Old Man decked out for the Grey Bar Hotel. She follows him out, behind him, dutifully, head down.
I was at the local drug store a while back. I had befriended some real psychos among the local gangbangers. A Bulldog gangbanger whom I had known for 2 years and had been in my place say 30 times over 2 years finally let loose and ripped me off. When my back was turned, he stole a $175 knife off the wall. I never confronted him about it. He will just deny it so ultra-realistically that I will eventually stop believing that he stole it, even though I know he did. He’s one of the world’s finest liars.
He’s also Exhibit A in Sociopathy, but these guys can be charming at times, so I can deal with them. I’ve been dealing with sociopaths off and on for much of my life, so I can deal, but it generally doesn’t work. Relationships of any kind with sociopaths just don’t work. They usually damage or harm you in some way or another until you finally get rid of them, which is not so easy. How can anyone have a positive relationship with a sociopath? Is it even possible? I wonder. What are criminal relationship networks like? I suppose they have no real friends, right? Sooner or later, they all rip off, harm or kill each other, right?
Anyway, the next night I was in the store. I on purposely went into my psycho mode where I felt like I was going to kill someone. Not any random person mind you, just maybe the guy who ripped me off and anyone who looked like him. I was mentally out for revenge and I can work myself into an actual homicidal state. It’s so realistic, people actually call security guards on me and try to evict me from stores. I’m not armed, so there’s nothing to act on even if I did, and I construct the psycho model in such a way that I won’t attack innocents post office style.
It’s all just an elaborate Hollywood Act, but it does feel good. There’s a real pleasure that comes from feeling like a killer. I won’t go into details, but I had some experiences where for some reason or other, I would get into this mindset when talking to another person like this, “I’m going to kill you.” I wasn’t going to kill the person, and I had no means or real desire anyway, and I didn’t dig the mental setup.
But sometimes I could not get outside it and got tired of fighting it. I’d just let it overwhelm me and sit back and get into it. The weird thing about the “I’m going to kill you,” mindset is how powerful it makes you feel! Damn! You’re 100 feet tall! Or 1000 feet tall! Or so tall, I don’t know how tall it is! You’re on a throne and you’re the biggest of the Big Men.
I told one friend about this, and he said sure. “Sure,” he said. “You feel strong. You feel tall. You feel like God. That’s why people do that shit, you know? Kill people. To feel strong, powerful, to feel like God.” Well sure. Only God and give or take a life. If you take a life, you’re as big as the biggest of the Big Kahunas. And you walk like Hud while the people shudder, supplicate themselves, or get out of the way.
Anyway, I was in the store. It was full of Mexicans, and most didn’t care. Mexican guys are always acting dangerous, so this is just normal. Everyone was sort of getting out of my way. Then this female clerk came up to me and confronted me like she was trying to stop a store shooting. I assured her I was just going to the bank.
I came back, got my stuff and stood in line. There was some hot Mexicana single Mom in front of me, avoiding me. After I’m done, I take my stuff and go outside. She deliberately goes the wrong direction with her kids (my direction, opposite of her direction), then stops with her and her kids totally blocking my path. She looks terrified, but there’s something else. She did this for a reason, you know. I’m going to have to ask them to move or push through them. I ask them to move and they move out of way.
So she’s terrified of me, but that turns her on. Weird.
Which brings us back to the question in the title.