Fatal Attraction

Idiots meet at Date to Die Club, go on first and last date. Two less idiots in the world. Oh well.
Here.
I suppose I ought to be sympathetic to the suicidal, since we’ve had experience with a suicide attempt in our family, but in this case I’m not. If you’re so nuts and suicidal that you are hanging out in suicide chatrooms and going on suicide dates, screw you.
I spent some time in a chatroom once with a 30 year old woman who suffered from chronic depression and chronic suicidality. She was quite nonchalant about the fact that she really did not want to be alive, and she looked forward to death. I found her very hard to deal with and ended up having no sympathy for her. In fact, her whole attitude really pissed me off.
OTOH, people should not be encouraged to kill themselves, especially if they aren’t suicidal. About 28 years ago, I was going through some heavy stuff emotionally, mostly a lot of anxiety. I suppose there was some depression going on. Frankly, it was just hardcore OCD. One friend of mine at one point said, “Why don’t you just kill yourself!” That was the wrong thing to say, you know. And I wasn’t suicidal anyway.
Three years later, I spent an entire year feeling suicidal. It was really still OCD, and it had gotten way worse over 3 years. I didn’t really know what was going on in my head at all. I just thought I was going through some tumultuous stuff. I had no idea there was a name for it.
I kept thinking of taking a gun to my head and blowing my brains out. It seemed like a really good idea! OTOH, I was too terrified to do it, never made plans, and never told anyone about it. I certainly wasn’t nonchalant about it. I was just in tremendous emotional pain and was fantasizing about an out. Yet I was quite aware that I was fucked in the head.
On the other hand, I was very active, working full-time, taking classes, having lots of friends, partying all the time, somehow dating countless women, going to an endless whirlwind of parties, shows and nightclubs all the time. I was also taking quite a few drugs – mostly pot and coke – and I was drinking fairly heavily. The booze and dope weren’t making me worse. They were just keeping me going. That was actually the fun part!
So the depressed can be quite active, as you can see. They don’t necessarily sit and home and stew. They can be working full-time, socializing like crazy, dating like musical chairs, hanging out like social butterflies, going to never-ending rounds of parties, shows and nightclubs, and the whole time, they feel like blowing their brains out.
Isn’t that strange? People are funny.
I’m normally a happy person, and going through that Hell was so horrible that there is no way I am going to experience that again. In the 25 years since then, I haven’t suffered much depression, so maybe it was a good experience after all.

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