Mountain Lion Killed at Gourmet Ghetto

An eccentric hippie mountain lion descended from the Oakland Hills to the Gourmet Ghetto District of Berkeley, California, looking for some bong hits, tie dye lion shits and mostly a bite to eat. Human killjoys saw her in the human populated area, tracked her to a yard, and shot the bitch dead.

Unfortunately, these lions need to be killed, but, honestly, they really are no danger. A cornered lion like that won’t attack a human unless you charge at it when it’s cornered. All it will do is run away. There could have been 500 humans roaming around watching the lion, cheering for it or cheering the humans (May the best team win!), and no humans one would have been hurt by the lion.

I know a lot about mountain lions, but I’ve never seen one. My friends and relatives have. In the Sierra foothills, they live around you all the time, yet you never see one. It’s amazing since it’s such a huge animal. A mountain lion is not a natural man-killer, and it’s not all that smart. It’s a creature of instinct. It attacks:

  1. Little kids, like toddlers, in wild areas.
  2. Adults who are running or jogging in wild areas.
  3. Adults who are riding mountain bikes in wild areas.

Lions are not that smart. It’s not a whole lot smarter than your housecat, and housecats are pretty stupid. Mostly, they are creatures of instinct like Kitty. In general, a lion will not attack you because it is not programmed to.

Toddlers are attacked because they are the size of much of its small prey.

Adult humans running or riding bikes in the wild are attacked, because when you run or ride in the wilderness, you look like a deer! A deer running away, to be specific. It sees you running or riding, thinks, “Running deer!” and attacks.

Lions are not deep thinkers. Look, see, act. As long as you are not a kid or running or riding in the woods, you’re ok.

Just to be safe, I used to carry a huge stick with me when hiking. If you get charged by a lion, just attack the fucker with the stick. If it holds its ground, scream at it and charge it, waving your arms and yelling. If you have the stick, swing at it with a stick. Super Pussy is still a pussy at heart. When attacked by humans, it runs away, like all pussies do when attacked by badass humans.

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2 thoughts on “Mountain Lion Killed at Gourmet Ghetto”

  1. Magnificent creature. Why couldn’t they dart it, or scare it away. Oh, well.

    Here in New York we have had several Coyote ATTACKS this summer. Just yesterday, a Coyote went crazy in a suburb a few miles north of the city – attacked and bit 2 people (not seriously, but there is the concern of rabies). Some hunters tracked it and shot him. Was about the size of a collie.

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