Hope I Look This Good When I’m 57

Here is Brad Gooch, a gay novelist whose transgressive fiction deals in copious amounts of sex, violence and dope. The implication is that he has lived out a certain amount of what he writes about. What’s strange is that at age 57, presumably after years of promiscuity, drugs and booze, the guy looks fantastic. I would kill to look this great in 5 years.

Brad Gooch at age 57. You're kidding, right? He could be 27. How does he do it?

Dennis Cooper is also a major author of transgressive fiction and also gay. He’s Gooch’s age, and he looks fantastic, other than the grey hair, which is to be expected at age 56.

Dennis Cooper at 56. How does he do it?

I met Cooper once at a poetry reading in some weird Chinese bar in downtown LA in February 1982. Name anyone?

I also met a famous LA choreographer named Mary Jane Eisenberg at that show. She was just starting out and getting a bit famous. A dancer in the late 1970’s (she’s on a Captain Beefheart live album), by the early 80’s, she already had her own LA dance company putting on these really weird and outrageous punky dance routines.

She had her hair cut really short in a punk haircut. I can’t find any pics of her on the Net, but she should be 57 now too. At the time, she looked great! Skinny, smart, punk artsy Jewish chick, 29 years old. I was trying to figure out if she was lez since the lez cut their hair like punks, but she gave off some pretty straight vibes.

She had these two guys with her who were dancers in her company. They were both around 30 or so.

I can see why guys want to be gay! These were two of the best looking men on the planet! Charming, smart, polite, gorgeous, what more do you want?

Look, if you are a straight guy and you’re not rich, what are the chances that you will fuck the most beautiful women on the planet? How about on a regular basis? About zero.

But if you’re queer and hot, you can do it all the time! I also see why guys go bi a bit. I turned these guys down, but how many  regular guys would not? I can also see why goodlooking narcissists of either sex go bi. So many opportunities, and they just want to fuck beautiful people! Gender, what’s a gender? As I’m driving home that night, I’m wishing I was a fag in a way.

For some weird reason, I got the feeling that they were bi, not gay. The one guy looked a lot like Jamie Gillis, the recently deceased porn star. His friend was Mr. Handsome! I’m not gay at all, but I can admire a goodlooking guy. Hell, some of them look almost as good as I do.

Eisenberg: So what have you two been up to lately?

Jamie Gillis Dude: (acting faggy but super-sexy too) Not much, just hanging around gay bars, ha ha.

Handsome Friend: “No, no, no, no, no.”

Eisenberg: (shakes her head like you guys are nuts)

Jamie Gillis Dude: Says a bunch more gay shit, at the same time he’s flirting with Eisenberg something heavy.

Handsome Friend: (Every time JGD says something gay) “No, no, no, no, no.”

Me: (thinking, trying to figure out these guys’ sexuality): Wow, one guy says they’ve been going to queer bars, and the other dude denies. Weird shit. They must be bi. Plus some of ultra-handsome gay guys do chicks too. The more of a male knockout you are, the more chicks could care less if you’re queer; they just want to bag the hot guy. Plus HF acts sort of straight, and JGD dude flirts with Eisenberg.

All of the lunatics in the LA punk scene are there, and most people are drunk and crazy. A locally famous gonzo rock journalist is right next to me. I can’t remember his name. I’m thinking, “This dude is famous!” I’m freaked out because famous people act so fuckin’ normal. I thought they acted different, like Superpeople. Cooper keeps looking at me. Then he says in a strange voice:

“Oh no! Someone said the word ‘impotence’!”

I’m thinking, “Whoa, I have major impotence anxiety at age 24, did this fucker just read my mind?”

Cooper is going to read some of his insane, doped up, violent, sex-crazed poetry.

Things start to settle down a bit.

HF leans over to me with his Heineken in one hand in a somewhat straight voice befitting a bi, “So, can I buy you a beer?” There’s a stretched-out, seductive tone to his voice, and I’m flipping.

I’m seriously freaked out. No guy has ever offered to buy me a beer before. I’m so terrified that I say, “No,” then back away from him.

I forget what happens after that. I think Cooper read some of his insane poetry. Every time he says, “Fucked him in the ass,” or “sucked his cock,” or some gay sex shit, the crowd goes insane, whooping and hollering like teenagers. These are adults, mind you! It’s faggy, but there’s something awesome about it. Do it in the streets!

I meet another guy later on in the evening. He’s 40, British expat living in LA, never has a woman with him, acts like a fag. I forget his name. I’ve never been able to figure out if the guy is a fag or not, but sometimes he puts his hands on me when he talks to me.

Mostly, the guy’s just a drunk. Every time I see him, he’s fuckin’ plastered, but he has one of the biggest hearts west of the Mississippi, so who cares about his liver? I ain’t his dock or his Mom. Anyway, without the booze, maybe he’s an asshole or a shut-in. Besides, the guy’s an artistic genius, designs album covers for bands. Artists have a right to be drunks, or dopers, or sexual degenerates, any such thing. God will forgive them. The muse ain’t free you know.

But his fag shit never goes further than hands on my shoulders. Anyway, half the male population of Hollywood act like faggots, and many of them are demonstrably not fully gay anyway. If a guy acts faggy in LA, it means nothing necessarily. That’s the LA way to act. Act like a faggot, whether you are one or not.

I point out Eisenberg. He knows her, suggests she’s single. “Great, go talk to her,” he says, winking.

The guy designs album covers. He’s getting famous. He just designed the Go-Go’s album cover and made a bundle. He describes the size of the bundle to me. He won’t have to work in a while, that’s for sure. Nice to be an artist type sometimes!

“What are you doing?” He asks.

“I’m thinking of going on unemployment,” I say.

It’s a great scam! Rockers are so un-Republican.

“Great!” He says with a huge smile. “I’m thinking of going on the dole too.”

And why not, eh? Art is a scam, life is a scam, death’s the biggest scam of them all, a scam on all of us. The Reaper doubles over as we gasp our last heave.

*****

Below is a photo of the famous Holocaust and Middle East historian Norman Finkelstein. He’s 55 years old in this photo. He looks great.

Norman Finkelstein looks great at 55.

There is talk on the Net about whether or not Finkelstein is gay. Apparently he’s not at all. This from an inside source who knows him well. But at age 55, he’s never married, so he may as well be gay. All these guys have made it through 5.5 decades without hitching up with a woman to make you fat, slow you down, and ultimately kill you. Maybe that’s the secret? Eternal bachelorhood?

Common denominator is all 2/3 of these guys are gay, and 3/3 of them have never married. They all looking fantastic at 55-above. Some have led pretty wild lives too. They’re all thin. They were all quite good looking as young men – I’m sure that has something to do with it. Anything else?

Your average straight guy at 55, no matter what he looked like at 20, looks like shit, let’s be honest here. Another thing is that no one in straight society cares. If you still look great past 50 and you’re male, no one cares. You don’t get any points.

The assumption is, hey, you’re 55, you look like shit, that’s normal. For one thing, past 50, most all us straight guys are fat.

Did you have sex at all in the past year? Can you still get it up without purple pills? Any major diseases yet? I know, my back hurts too, I hear ya. Let’s go find two 110-pound Oriental girls to walk on them! Your wife’s a bitch too? LOL, that deserves a drink! Waiter, two more, right here! Why don’t you divorce her? Oh Hell no, then I’ll be alone, and I never learned how to cook. I’ll get sick, and I won’t go to the doctor. I’ll start drinking and won’t stop til I’m dead.

My wife’s my new Mom. All us older married guys are Momma’s boys, you know that. Wifey traded places with Mom, that’s all. Same fucked up, wussy dependent sissyboy dynamics. You too huh? We’re not momma’s boys! We’re married men; we can’t be! Until you read the fine print. Other than the sex, my wife is my Mom too. Embarrassing! Testosterone injections please! Emergency!

How do gay and never married guys keep looking so great? Is it the emphasis on good looks in the gay community  or in single society that keeps them in shape and trying their damndest to look good? I mean, in straight married society, you and your wife are beautiful and young, you get married, and in two years, you’ve both gained 20 pounds. In another 10-15 years, one or both of you looks like shit to boot. Neither sex demands that the spouse stays hot during marriage, though it ought to be written into most prenuptials.

What do these gays and bachelors know that staid married men don’t?

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28 thoughts on “Hope I Look This Good When I’m 57”

  1. I would agree with Erranter that the gay revolution has been very bad for straight guys’ freedom of expression. I remember back in the 70s and 80s it was totally okay for straight guys to look at muscle mags and admire–and even almost drool over–the muscle men, particularly if you worked out yourself. It wasn’t assumed that you wanted to do the nasty with them. Now this would be viewed as gay, gay, gay.

    As a straight guy who isn’t afraid to comment on other guys’ looks, you’re right about all these guys. Some comments about Finklestein though. Have you ever heard a voice only interview with him, say on Democracy Now? He’s the brainy male Fran Drescher. He doesn’t sound faggy to me so much as echt New York or even Jerseyite. If I was his gay lover, I’d insist that he not open his mouth while we were together.

  2. Listen up lonely straight nondescript middle aged guys, here’s a gay sex secret I’m going share with you now. If you search long and hard enough on the Net you can find East Indian on-line pharmacies that sell Modalert 100’s and 200’s. They’re not cheap, but they’re worth it for the tantric masturbation marathons they induce. Seriously, find the pix and videos of whatever twirls your beanie and then start crushing up quarters of the Modealert 200’s on a mirror with a spoon. Chop that shit up with a credit card, or whatever, 1/4 of a pill at a time and lay your homely self out some nice fat lines. Now start snortin’ and strokin’ and strokin’ and snortin’
    using those karezza techniques that praeternaturaly attractive queers like Rufus Wainwright and Norman Finklestein swear by and you won’t care anymore what the ladies think of you. You’ll only need one anymore to drop by and do the laundry.

    1. Finkelstein isn’t a queer. He’s another one of those endless funny straight guys who acts like a fag. These guys are as common taco trucks these days. Is this a fad or something. Fag fad. Fake fag fad? Be straight, but act like a homo. That’s like trolling IRL right? You’re trolling the whole fuckin’ world.

      LOL! You all thought I was gay I sure showed you! You got played…

      1. How are you able to personally chat with Finkelstein?

        I mean, he doesn’t mind disclosing his life story to a bunch of online commenters on a blog?

        1. We are in email contact with the guy. We know him, pretty well anyway.

          At any rate, it’s good this is out. I’m tired of people saying the guy is gay. It’s ridiculous.

          Glad to hear you’re straight, Norman! I was sooo hoping you were not queer!

        2. Well why not? I hope Norman doesn’t mind; he can look if he wants to because I’ve given him the link to this post as well as the earlier one that mentions him, and earlier on he did read it. He thanked me and asked me to convey the message I put there to Gay State Girl/Olive on the Robert-Lindsay-versus-the-competition-post. I just copied and posted Norman Finkelstein’s email to me. I felt like defending him against slurs because, personally, I like him. I like his integrity. Never met him in the flesh, though. I agree with Robert: this is getting tedious, now; which is what Norman’s girlfriend apparently said.

    1. Who? His girlfriend? Guess so. One thing I can see from a few conversations with the guy is that he’s funny as Hell. Great sense of humor. He’s always laughing at life, or sometimes anyway.

        1. I think the Pallies are pretty funny already. The Pallies are da bomb! LOL!

          I don’t know what’s wrong with Pallies. They’re always blowing up over the slightest little thing. Haha!

          You know some Jews call Pallies Pallieniggers? Sucks or what? I think so too. If I was a Black person I’d be pissed. Comparing us to Arabs! That hurts.

          What was with Yessir Arafatass anyway? Always complaining his food tasted funny, next thing you know he drops dead. You’d think the Mossad poisoned his well or something.

          Hey! What’s the difference between a Jew and a Pallie? About $75,000! Haha!

          Pallies are always starving for attention. What’s their problem anyway?

          What ever happened to Arihell Sharon anyway? Did he die yet? He was so fat, he was big as half the Negev, and that’s minus his ass.

        2. You know Ray Hanania, the Palestinian American comedian.

          He grew up in a jewish neighborhood in Chicago and his father told him to keep a low profile about his Palestinian identity. He told him to tell the other kids at school that his father was Syrian and his mother was Lebanese. “So I told everybody that my dad was a serial and my mom was a lesbian and thats how the comedy began.

      1. I don’t know. I watched that video you posted a few weeks ago, and he looked a little crazy. But then he’s sort of being Rushdied by his enemies.

        1. I didn’t think he looked crazy at all. You mean the Defamation video?

          Yeah, the Jews really go after their dissenters, don’t they? They make their lives utter Hell. A lot of dissenters can’t handle it and come back to the fold after a while. It’s very effective.

  3. Norman Finklestein “finked out” when he called Lady Michelle Renouf a Flat Earther during a phone call to her and David Duke on TV in Tehran. She’s straight, hot, middle aged and practically the only person on the planet who goes to bat for harassed revsionists. She succeeded in getting Fredrick Toben released from a British jail after he was hauled off a plane at Heathrow Airport (or Gatwick). If you want to watch a good Hebrew ferret fight watch that Democracy Now debate between him and Alan Dershowitz over Dershowitz’s plagerization of The Case For Israel. Amy “No Income Disclosures” Goodman refereed it. It made me grateful that I’m slow. But I liked it that Finklestein gave a Nazi salute to the camera in that creepy movie about how facilitators traumatize Israeli teens on their obligatory field trips to Auschveeeeeeeeetz. So, Norman I’m sorry I called you a queer.

    1. Lol!

      Norman Finkelstein absolutely owned Alan Dershowitz in that debate.

      It makes you think, “why is this guy (Dershowitz) still a professor at Harvard?”

      By the way, I think that Dershowitz, on his own website, accused Finkelstein of being lined up to speak at Iran’s holocaust denial conference.

      Seriously, if Alan Dershowitz and Abe Foxman really want to end Jew hatred, they ought to just sit down and shut-up!

      Every time they open their mouths, an anti-Semite is born. 😉

      1. Seriously, if Alan Dershowitz and Abe Foxman really want to end Jew hatred, they ought to just sit down and shut-up!

        Not possible. That’s the thing about Jews. They just can’t help themselves.

        1. Not possible. That’s the thing about Jews. They just can’t help themselves.

          Yeah, that’s the thing. The people who are incapable of not talking about Jews are Jews themselves!

          Maybe that’s why some of the biggest anti-Semites are the likes of Brother Nathanael.

        2. “Not possible. That’s the thing about Jews. They just can’t help themselves.

          Yeah, that’s the thing. The people who are incapable of not talking about Jews are Jews themselves!

          Maybe that’s why some of the biggest anti-Semites are the likes of Brother Nathanael.”

          Owned. Shamir, Shahak, Atzmon.

    2. Lol!

      I also love it when Finkelstein says that comparing Abe Foxman to Hitler is an insult to Hitler.

      “At least Hitler didn’t do it for the money!”

      Lol! Finkelstein is such a character!

  4. I find it…uhh…”interesting” that the blog-author should commit great steaming clods of bandwidth to one theory (maybe taking it up the ass is the fountain of youth?) yet never taking a moment to consider whether being born to affluence might have something to do with looking just, well, super at 55. Maybe it’s me, but there’s something about never having to worry about the rent, or how the hell you’re gonna be able to pay for your kid’s braces, that just prevents those crowsfeet and laugh-lines from ever making camp on one’s face.

    Of course, I’m one of those people who can’t help but wonder aloud how it is that some (most?) writers starve, and some live in fabulously-appointed Manhattan lofts, when nobody’s buying either of their books in significant numbers.

    I’m sure you’re right, though: it’s gotta be the anonymous fellatio. Pardon me while I trade in my Atkins Diet for a pair of kneepads and a glory hole. I wanna be a boyish 60-year-old too, please!

  5. Gooch does look young for his age. He could easily pass for late 30s. Cooper and Finkelstein are not that impressive. Some people just have ‘young’ genes I suppose. I am 26 and I could easily pass for a 18, 19 or a 20 year old. Most college students would look older than me.

    Some people are just luckily and have that youthful face and it’s also important to either keep fit or stay trim. Being overweight can add years to one’s appearance.

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