POCD Versus Pedophilia – Differential Diagnosis

Repost from the old site.

This is one of a number of posts I have written on mental illness. It deals with it from a diagnostic point of view that is probably most interesting to sufferers or clinicians, but may be interesting to some laypeople. I’ve been studying abnormal psychology for 30 years now, and experiencing it for 25 or so.

POCD is a subtype of OCD that is usually thought of as pure-O, or pure obsessional. Pure-O’s do not have the usual behavioral rituals that the hand-washers, etc. have; instead, they have cognitive rituals. It is necessary that there be more documentation on this subtype of OCD because unfortunately, quite a few people are suffering from it, and clinicians barely understand it.

Due to this lack of understanding, clinicians think sufferers are psychotic or suffer from pedophilia. Many clinicians have a poor understanding of OCD as it is, and this series is intended to enlighten them about different forms that the illness can take.

I’ve written some stuff on POCD on this blog, and therefore, I get sufferers coming to me with the condition. As I don’t have much issues with POCD these days, I’m capable of doing therapy with them online.

After talking to quite a few of them, it’s clear that it’s like any other type of OCD, since OCD sufferers, especially pure obsessionals, have a certain “sameness” about them such that you can nearly diagnose them on pure Gestalt alone.

I can tell pretty quickly after talking to someone whether they are suffering from OCD.

One thing to get clear on is that POCD will apparently never be acted on. I’m not aware of anyone acting on any of these obsessions.

There is another type of OCD called Harm OCD, and I have talked to a few of those folks too. Two of them were convinced that they were serial killers. I quickly figured out that they had OCD and were completely harmless. People with harm OCD never do anything violent, and people with POCD never molest kids.

Once you know this, you can talk to them about all their scary thoughts with worries.

I might have a hard time doing therapy with an actual pedophile or a psychopath who really wanted to kill people. As a general rule though, these types do not feel there is anything wrong with them as they enjoy being this way, and they never seek help.

The usual POCD sufferer is a young man around college age or so, but many sufferers are young women too. A few are older, but this is much less common. Sexual obsessions in general seem to hit young people the hardest of all for some reason. Most people with harm obsessions are also young people, mostly males, though once again, some are females.

OCD is a fear-based illness. It will latch onto anything in society that is frightening.

Nowadays, with Child Molester Mass Hysteria on the rampage and everyone worried about “pedos” and “predators,” it’s only logical that people with OCD would find this the perfect fear. What could be more terrifying than the fact that one may be a pedophile? Not much. Hence, POCD.

We have also seen a marked increase in fears of AIDS among OCD sufferers. AIDS is salient in our society, it’s terrifying since if you get it, you’re about dead, so OCD will latch onto it.

The best way we can do differential diagnosis here between POCD and pure pedophilia is to link to some websites.

First of all, a fellow I have been talking to has posted his history online here. He’s given me permission to link to it. It’s five pages, but if you read it, you should start to get a feel after a while about what this illness is all about.

Note the chronic doubting, the omnipresence of fear, the uncertainty about feelings and whether they are real or not, the questioning of everything from one’s thoughts, feelings and history all the way to the actions and thoughts of others.

What’s going on here is a hyperanalysis of the individual’s history, thoughts and behaviors along with continuous checking of “scientific sources,” followed by more rounds of unproductive doubting and worries. As you can see, nothing ever gets resolved here. The worries and doubts just go round and round. Once one gets settled, a new one comes up. This is truly a case of one’s mind actually chasing its tail.

In this case, he is trying to prove whether or not he is a pedophile. He finds evidence, questions the evidence, checks, cross-checks and tests the evidence, then starts all over again.

There is atmosphere of wondering, uncertainty and doubting to the point where the person can start doubting his own perceptions. Thoughts and feelings can seem like they are actually occurring, and the person becomes uncertain about what is really happening and what is just in their mind.

I talked to one woman who had lesbian fears during conversations with other women. I asked, “You get lesbian thoughts and this bothers you?” She said, “No, I worry that I’m going to say lesbian stuff to her. Then after the conversation is over, I wonder if I made lesbian comments to her.” As we see, the person doubts their actual perceptions and wonders if things occurred that are did not even occur.

This doubting of one’s own perceptions is actually quite common in this disorder and is almost pathognomic.

Unfortunately, it looks very strange, and clinicians often misdiagnose it as psychosis.

In this post, he says he can hear what people are thinking. That’s a schizophrenic symptom, but when I questioned him about it, he said he just watched people very closely and thought he could figure out what they might be thinking, but he didn’t really hear it with his ears. He admitted it wasn’t really possible for him to know exactly what was in someone’s thoughts.

When I heard that, I knew he did not have schizophrenia or a psychosis. Once again, though, we see internal thoughts and external perceptions being confused, common in OCD.

I wasn’t impressed with the others in this thread, one of whom was accusing him of being a pedophile. An administrator, a clinical psychologist, finally gets it on page 4 and says he has sexual obsessions.

In this post, he says he is losing his attraction to women, and the attraction to kids seems to be increasing.

There is another sexual obsession called HOCD (homosexual OCD) that works much the same way. The person goes into horrible worries, thinking in a similar manner as this guy, that they may be gay or bisexual. In severe cases, they think that they are losing their attraction to the opposite sex and getting a new attraction to same sex. HOCD is very common; much more common than POCD.

As it’s not possible to turn gay, bi or pedo against one’s will, this is the common denominator in all sexual obsessions and is pathognomic.

Gay, bisexual and pedophilic persons do not feel as if alien forces are turning them into something they do not wish to be. They are what they are. The attraction, wanted or not, feels normal, natural, right, correct, real. They may worry about the way society will treat them, but it isn’t a question of being transformed into something you are not.

He is also masturbating to pedophilic fantasies, but I’m not worried about that. He’s doing this as some sort of checking behavior to “see if he’s really a pedophile” or to “get it out of his system.”

People with HOCD often do the same thing. They search out gay porn on the Internet and masturbate to it to “test their reaction.” Then they go find some straight porn and masturbate to that to “test their reaction” to that. Then they endlessly compare reactions to try to figure out if they are gay or not. Typically, the testing never reveals any significant answers, so it just goes on and on.

This is called checking and it’s also pathognomic of OCD.

The truth is that in males, sexuality is fixed by age 15. That means straight, gay, bi or whatever, you can’t change after that. What turns you on, turns you on. Behavior can change afterward, but not attraction. In females, it’s different, but no female turns gay or bi against her will.

In one post , he tries to argue with the OCD by saying “I’m not a pedophile” (thought compulsion). His mind argues back, of course, by saying the opposite and telling him he is one.

This is also pathognomic of OCD.

OCD acts like a gremlin in your mind. It contradicts you and tells you stuff you don’t even believe in and makes you confused.

The truth is, that’s not really an internal dialogue, it’s just OCD talking back and being contradictory. The result can be endless wars in the mind whereby one uses thought compulsions to try to contradict obsessions. For some strange reason, these don’t seem to work very well, and the OCD often just fights back even harder with more intense contradictory statements.

Although masturbating to pedo fantasies may seem disturbing, I’m not worried about it in this case. Humans, especially young males, are polymorphously perverse, and can get turned on by just about anything.

A pedophile in general has a true preference for kids and does not have much interest in adults. They have been this way since early adolescence. It doesn’t probably doesn’t come on after age 15 or so, and neither do most other paraphilias. The root of all paraphilias, like the root of all sexual orientation, seems to be in the birthing storms of the teenage years.

My take is that OCD is lying to this guy. As you can see, he also has HOCD. He’s suddenly developed gay fantasies. How? By looking at some gay porn on the Net. In his case, both pedo and gay fantasies were fantasy-supercharged due to their forbidden and taboo nature, not due to any real attraction.

OCD is lying to him, telling him he’s gay and pedo and he’s losing his attraction to women. HOCD sufferers also feel that they are losing their attraction to the opposite sex and gaining a new one to the same sex, but this is just an illusion. How this strange illness does this I’m not sure, but I think it has to do with the way anxiety and fear work on the brain.

HOCD sufferers are also typically young people and most are males, but there are quite a few young females too. They usually are shy introverts, like most OCD sufferers, and often have little sexual experience. The extroverted obsessional exists, but is quite rare. People seem to grow out of this gay OCD thing with age, or at least move onto other obsessions.

Since homosexuality is salient in our society and a is popular meme in our culture and yet is not quite accepted, it’s a logical fear for OCD to latch onto. For many young people, homosexuality is just wrong enough and taboo enough that the fact that the thought that one might be gay or bi is quite terrifying.

If at some point, homosexuality and bisexuality become more accepted, OCD sufferers may stop worrying about being gay and start worrying about something else.

The nature of the OCD fears is not important. Depending on the era and society, OCD will latch onto whatever fears seem most terrifying for the time and place. The illness is mobile, and once one fear is conquered, a new one can be acquired.

HOCD is a particularly horrible type of OCD. I’ve been to boards on the Net full of sufferers, and many are seriously miserable, deeply depressed and contemplating suicide. For some reason, obsessionals, while often complaining of being suicidal, rarely seem to commit suicide. I think the fact that they are so fearful and inhibited keeps them from taking this final step.

For a glimpse of how real pedophiles think, and to tell the difference between POCD and pedophilia, check out this Wikisposure page that gives bios of numerous actual pedophiles that they are tracking. After you read through a number of the bios, you will get a common feel for what these guys are all about.

This, like all paraphilias, is not an anxiety disorder. The dominant emotion is not fear and doubt as in OCD. These guys aren’t going round and round about whether or not they are pedophiles. That they are is clear as air to them.

Pedophilia, like all paraphilias, is an illness of desire, of appetite. It’s like an addiction. They love it. This is what gets them off. They don’t want to change, they don’t want to get better, and the truth is they probably can’t anyway.

I assume that true pedophilia, once fixed in adolescence and cemented in adulthood, is incurable. What gets you off, gets you off. It’s not going to change. They can’t help it, but at the same time, society needs to be protected.

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233 thoughts on “POCD Versus Pedophilia – Differential Diagnosis”

  1. I myself am confused. I don’t really have access to therapy. Dad thinks I don’t need it. But I don’t know. I don’t think I am a pedophile, but I keep doubting my self, I check constantly almost every few minutes. I don’t get an erection to these thoughts, I can get an erection to girls my age and much older. But when I am actaully near a girl that like young or at the beach or just in general, my heart starts to race, and I just feel so messed up and upset.

    And I can’t tell the difference between if it’s attraction or fear, I’m been near children on purpose because I thought, well maybe if I am near them more my fear will die down more. Well. Sometimes my fear does die down, or sometimes it goes out of control, and I can’t even carry out a convo, and I walk around with guilt. Can’t even look some people in the eye. I’m 16, I have a beautiful girlfriend I love with all my heart, reading about pedophilia just starts to grow on me and makes it worse. In reality I just want kids, wife and a family in life.

    Fuck, I can’t even believe this became a problem. I took something so small and made it into something so big. I would never want to do that to a kid. Never. Do I prefer the thoughts over a girl my age and older? No. I am attracted to girls my age, matter a fact they make me the most comfortable. I’ve never in my life had this problem. Never. So this may ruin my whole life in the future that I planned. I barely get groinal responses around children. Actually, never. But if I run into someone telling their fucked up rape story, well I can’t say that my penis doesn’t go up at all.

    Because it does to a degree, but that usually happens if I’m sitting their reading about the disorders etc. And I never read them on purpose for pleasure. I didn’t enjoy them; quite frankly, I just hurried and got away from the stories. Doesn’t make it better that the fact that you have to be 16 to be considered a pedophile. This has been eating me up, I couldn’t eat much, even puked once for trying to eat. It’s been happening for about a month. Like my girlfriend is coming down soon. Love her, I talk with her on the phone, god I feel so damn happy.

    I love kids, but it’s never been that way. I always would run and play with my cousins because I care for each and every one and hope I can do that with mine one day. But this is really making me doubt. It’s mainly a problem with females that are like pudgy and are kids, but idk their age, but I estimate around 12 and up maybe 11, but even these thoughts disgust me. Surely, it’s not a preference. And this is not someone I would ever want to be. But it does kill my heart. Makes me miserable because I can’t do much about it. Makes me feel like a monster, a beast that needs to be hung and killed.

    I’ve had intrusive thoughts quite before like desires to kill or thoughts of it quite commonly. Well, I knew the thoughts of killing to be a part of human nature even if they were inhumane. I’ve had thoughts of cannibalism, never took it seriously, but I knew it wasn’t too bad, but then the worst. Harming children or thinking sexually in that direction. I have always I mean quite literally have had a soft spot for kids. Always been protective. And even the pinnacle for everything I care about. It’s like something is taking everything I love and ruining it all in one aspect.

    I’ve once before been diagnosed with ADHD. Could have something to do with it, and no, this was when I was little I was diagnosed, so I don’t have those pills and haven’t for quite a few years. I’ve thought if going military, but even then I was like hey, what if I decide one day quite early I want to settle down with this beauty? But how am I going to plan for something like that when I keep doubting myself and make myself constantly feel like a pedophile? No, I don’t masturbate to these thoughts, what I do is suppress them when I am masturbating and let them go on afterwards.

    Know you’re not supposed to suppress, but I’d really rather not jerk off to something I hate. So yes, I do go near kids and try to face my fears. Regardless how fucked up it makes me feel. No, I don’t go around trying to look at kids on purpose or “prey” on them. It’s just not good. But most of the time, I’m just going to the store for something anyways.

    Just a normal day for me, kids make me feel happy sometimes, sure, hey, they are cute, but sexual creatures? Not at all. But I am plagued in my mind. And I am very confused. Very. Even sat near my cousin when this first happened, I started to have a racing heart and then about went dizzy. But I get my heart racing near the female children too. But of course I wasn’t talking to them. So yes, it does make me feel uncomfortable near them with these thoughts.

    Sure, I don’t know I may have OCD since I constantly check, usually I tell myself and say, this will be your last time you check, my friend. But then boom, I check and check and check, and then it just don’t stop. Before all of this, I would watch porn every day. Quite literally always. Always. Sure, I went off to watch some weird shit like trans porn because, well, I thought for quite a bit, well, woman body, penis, and boobs and butt, can’t be too bad. Yeah, I didn’t mind that porn. Wasn’t as amazing to me as hetero, but I didn’t really care. Although the thought of trans kinda is like ew no, but when it’s porn, it’s a whole different thing.

    I’ve also thought I was gay once. I got over this in one night when it happened usually. Found out I wasn’t because I couldn’t at all be in a relationship with a male. It’s just weird to me. Just like it is to be with a child in that manner, like what the actual hell am I doing? I don’t even know, and it’s driving me insane. Yeah, I confess, I’ve wanted to grab dad’s shotgun, walk in my room and blow my goddamn head off because of this. It’s by far the worst I’ve ever felt. Thoughts make me feel weird, uncomfortable, cause me to make fucked facial expressions without trying while testing myself. I don’t believe I am like this, and I want to live a happy life and not running off the chain and feeling out of control. Please help.

  2. Thank you so incredibly much for this article. I recently endured a trauma that’s quiet difficult to describe and honestly very embarrassing so I don’t feel comfortable putting it on such a public forum, but this article has helped educate me on POCD much more than other sources. After months of PTSD like symptoms following the traumatic event, I begin to have peculiar feelings not that I was a pedophile, but that those around me assumed I was a pedophile. Considering the fact that I’m transgender and that many people on the news and social media label transgender people as perverts and pedophiles, things only got worse. Masturbation to these thoughts left me confused and disgusted with myself, yet I’d seek fantasy age-gap type porn out in an almost ritualistic fashion every night. Honestly I worried that I had become addicted to porn. Extreme shame has taken control of my life and I keep expecting my loved ones to somehow “find out” about something when there’s nothing to find out. I’m not sexually attracted to children and am sickened by the mere suggestion of it. Yet here I am, unable to sleep and my hair is falling out at alarming rates, all due to this irrational anxiety brewing inside me. After coming across the term “Pedophelic Obsessive Compulsive Disorder” by chance, I feel a sense of relief that doesn’t completely alleviate my anxiety, but at least reduces it.

  3. I need your help. I’ve been having this worry about becoming a child rapist or a pedophile. I’m a 15 year old man. I just got this thought out of complete nowhere which scared me around 2 weeks ago. I’m not sure if I have OCD or POCD but I match many symptoms. I’ve been on and off with this thought. I realize it’s wrong but my Brain tries to convince me that it’s not which causes confusion. I’ve always been attracted to the opposite sex and now since this worry has been going on, I haven’t felt the “buzz” but rather when I think about little kids. Also, I’ve had extreme stress problems before. Even had stomach ulcers from it. I want to be normal, and have a wife and kids. When I maturbate, the thought latches on but I try my best to fight it off. I sometimes get an erection too from thinking about it which gives me stress too. When I’m calm and think about it, I get even more concerned and confused because I’m afraid that my brain is accepting the fact that I am a predator. I sometimes see a therapist, but I’m too shy and afraid to talk to him about it. Sometimes when I say, “I would never do it.” My heart starts racing and I think it’s because I actually am. In public, I try my best not to look at little girls at all. And when I do I immediate regret it, but I think it’s a force of habit due to me doing that to girls older and the same age as me.,It just makes me so upset because my brain is doubting everything and it confuses me. I’m not sure what to do. I need help, and you seem active so I’m attempting to reach out. I do not want to do this and it gives me stress all the time.

    1. Don’t worry kid… You have to ignore those thoughts, forgive yourself because a part of you is thinking those thoughts and being entertain by them. You sound remorseful and concerned, which you want to be. It’s going to take a while before you have some kind of handle on them. I had similar thoughts and I still have them from time to time, but I stopped thinking that they are a part of me, or they could be me. These thoughts are not you from the sound of your sincerity, so don’t kill your self confidence and self respect by identifying with them. They are not your personality. Don’t feed them shame, worry of anything…. if you can. It took me a good four years to almost get rid of them. Acceptance is the hardest thing to do for this…. but the best remedy…..I stopped watching porn, that helped greatly. and of course no pot and alcohol. Keep talking through it. Sometimes we can not control what out crazy brains think of, but how we deal with it afterward is what’s important. We all took a different way to get to these thoughts, whether it is really our intention to think them, or not doesn’t really matter. They are twisted and brutally disgusting thoughts, but so can humans be sometimes. I take full responsibility for these thoughts, I really don’t think it has to do with OCD. How you process them is where OCD can come into effect.

  4. Is there anyway I can msg you about this because I’m going through this and it’s very bothersome because I’m the future I do want kids and a wife and I don’t want these thoughts to keep bothering me/hounding me because it’s Making me feel like I shouldn’t have kids or I shouldn’t be able to do father/daughter things with my child ( I say daughter because that’s what I want ) stuff like bathing her, changing her clothes or diapers this is really bothering me.

  5. Hello, Mr Lindsay
    Could I please e-mail you about this, I have something I hope is POCD and not something more serious and I’d be so grateful if you could give me your opinion. This really freaks me out and I’m constantly anxious and depressed. I’d provide more details in e-mail.
    Thank you!

  6. Hey, I’ve been dealing with POCD for four years. It seems like it’s getting worse and worse every day. I’m so tired of it. I can’t enjoy life because I’m constantly afraid there’s something wrong with me. Every time I think I’ve got it all figured out something new comes up and I’m back where I started. I need this to stop, and it seems like you can help me. How can I get in contact with you?

  7. Can I contact you through email would really like to talk to you about something going on right now in my life and I have no one to talk to about it

  8. I apologize if this has been over a year since the last comment, but I feel like I’d like to speak some words here. As someone who’s suffered from OCD myself in my early years of high school (not pretty as I had some stuff like thinking racist terms when I’m no racist and once when I tried to take Abilify it actually gave me suicidal thoughts so I stopped with it) needed therapy and it having gone away (but sometimes I still think thoughts I don’t act upon), I’m here because I’d like to share something of my own. I am not using my actual name, instead a username for personal reasons, and I have also sent you an E-mail with this same message (I’m also a 22 year old guy). I apologize if this is too disgusting in detail, but here we go.

    About four years ago if I remember (I unfortunately don’t have too great of a memory) I was looking up videos of girls swimming because I was bored. One thing I’ll admit that I liked at the time was how if they were swimming in tankinis how the tanktop part would flap up, exposing the belly. Some of the videos had little girls in them and with some of them, my penis did actually go up. I will say one thing though; I did NOT masturbate to that at all because I didn’t know how to do that really (didn’t even attempt it until last year and it was with older women and now I’ve done it frequently to that), and then eventually I noticed my underpants got a little bit wet with one of them and I was worried I accidentally had ejaculated (but looking back I think it might have been what I recently discovered is a pre ejactulation liquid which had no sperm in it, I can tell what is what), and I felt guilty so I listened to my conscience and stopped (and at the time I had NEVER wanted to commit pedophilia, I knew it was bad), worried I might have done pedophilia, and another reason was because some were younger than I thought they were (I also didn’t know how the whole age of consent thing worked, now I do, and it’s 16 where I’m from). I didn’t look at those videos all the time at the time, I also looked at other stuff, but I did eventually stop and listened to my conscience. Over some time, I tested myself watching the same videos and now, it doesn’t happen anymore, my cock doesn’t go up. I’m not sure why it happened those few times, was it some odd groinal response? Oddly I didn’t worry after that for some time.

    But then fast forward to about this year, me now being attracted more to older women and such, having gone on a date with one I was in shock in early February because I found out someone who I had liked on Youtube since I was about 12-13 or something was a pedophile/sexual predator (who was from the Thomas/MLP fandoms) who had erotically roleplayed with 10+ minors, one of them being a 14 year old girl, and had tried to weasel his way out by saying “he had made a mistake/this is not me” or something, only caring about his career and not his friends. Then over the course of two months two more pedophiles then confessed what they did (one of them defending said predator), and on a video of someone calling out on one defender of pedophiles, when I saw it (it was 20 days ago) at thinking he was biased towards 30 year olds and said: “I’m pretty sure an 18 year old could be a pedophile and potentially younger.”

    That’s when it happened, I looked back at that time four years back about, if I’m correct and I suddenly got really anxious and worried. I was terrified I had accidentally committed pedophilia and considering I still like some kids’ franchises (Power Rangers, Thomas, Care Bears, and hell, MLP of all things) along with adult ones, I was afraid that I actually had committed a crime and would be a dangerous around kids. I work in a grocery store and I mostly don’t go near children as I don’t want to move too suddenly and accidentally scare them, but even then and there, I started to get affected by thoughts. If I saw some kids, I felt a movement in my groin and every so often had to go the bathroom to check to see if I accidentally jizzed or something (which I didn’t), I had to check (I draw sometimes) if I accidentally drew something inappropriate a long time ago, I kept having the word “pedophile” come up in my head every so often, and I really was worried (I unfortunately have anxiety too) it affected me for about over two weeks. If you had seen me then, I would have looked and acted as though nothing was wrong with me but inside I was having a sickening feeling in my stomach and sweating.

    All my life, I have NEVER wanted to have sex or even go near/harass any little children at all. I have NEVER tried to sexually harass nor erotically roleplay (online roleplays make me very uncomfortable) or send anything pornographic nor act sexually towards any kids I’ve seen online or in real life. I once accidentally bought a lolicon doujinshi manga at a con (which is essentially child porn) and trust me, it hit the trash very quickly when I got home, and I still feel a bit worried at that. I always condemn/report any pedophiles and anything with lolicon/shotacon, I read about an infamous one “Kodomo no Jikan” and was utterly disgusted (there’s really screwed up stuff in there). I would never ever want to try to hurt anyone or mean any harm in real life, and hell, though I’ve liked some adult porn I’ve seen, in real life the concept of sex has me feeling nervous and slightly uncomfortable, just because one likes sexual artwork doesn’t mean they’re a rapist or anything. But then this came up and I felt very awful, thinking my life/time would be over, and worried about what my friends would think of me, I’ve wanted to try to get a girlfriend and get married (but I’m a bit sheepish), and have friends throughout (and I do have some adult friends I hang with), but I thought, “who would want to be friends with someone who’s struggling with this?”

    Eventually I couldn’t take it anymore and searched up to see if I was one, then I found this website and what POCD is, and eventually on my mother’s birthday and over the course of some days, I talked to her about it and she and I both concluded I wasn’t one at all and she thinks I don’t have OCD anymore but I’m not sure about that (hell, when I was asleep last night I thought of some baby character and a bit of a groinal response happened worrying me so I tried thinking of something else which helped somewhat. It hasn’t happened again, but I’m still worried). Thanks to talking to her, I’ve actually been feeling much better today and have been for the last few days, by trying to do other things to reduce stress (watch other shows I like and such), heck, I found out about one other pedophile today and while I was disgusted by him, I happened to read laws of committing the crime, realized I hadn’t broken them, and I felt relieved, but I’m not sure if this worry will happen again (I am a worrier).

    So what do you think it was? Do you think OCD returned in the form of POCD, or just regular OCD at the time? Did I have some POCD back in the four years ago or something? Is OCD a bit of an on/off thing? Or was this all built up from stress, me being too stressed out from finding out about all of these pedos popping up and it happened to be associated with a show I liked? Please let me know if you can, and I apologize if this comment is unorganized, but this is something I’ve wanted to let out after reading some of the other comments here.

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