I Have Very Bad Breath

I went to the doctor because of a longstanding case of halitosis. The doctor said it had something to do with my lips, specifically the nature of my lips. I don’t really understand that, but people, especially women, have always said I have really full lips.
Nevertheless, though women love to have sex with me, they are often reluctant to kiss me. I’ve never really understood that. And after they do kiss me, they often make some phony excuse and go rinse their mouths out while giggling.
I asked the doctor what he meant by my lips were causing bad breath and he started laughing. “Well, it’s because you have your head up your ass, you might say!” he cracked. What’s so funny about that? When I go to the doc, I want bedside manner for my insurance co-pay, not dirty cracks. I told him just that and he started laughing again. “Speaking of dirty cracks,” he said, “Go look in the mirror!” Now I was starting to get mad.
He finally recommended tons of mouthwash. If that didn’t work, he said, I could always wear a jockstrap over my face, assuming that’s even allowed in public. I’m really pissed and I’m considering a malpractice suit, but I still don’t understand my halitosis.
I think it’s possibly due to my halitosis, but people get really freaked out when I burp! Then turn on the fan or run to the window and open up the window and fan their noses. You know, that’s not funny at all. That really hurts my feelings. For Chrissake man, all I did was burp! Everyone burps, but you act like my burps are some kind of special super-stinky burps? Screw you!
I have other issues with oral hygiene, but I’m embarrassed to discuss them. One problem I have is a lot of itching and burning around my mouth for some reason. I’ve tried chap stick, but it just doesn’t work.
I finally got the nerve to ask the doctor and he stared at my mouth for a bit, then he almost fell out of his chair laughing. “Of course chap stick won’t work on your burning lips,” he cracked. “Maybe you should try Preparation H instead.” Then he let out this huge belly laugh. What a jerk! Like I’m going to put Preparation H on my mouth!
Here is a lab photo of my mouth. If you have any medical knowledge, look it over and see if you can figure out what my problem is:

Though I'm White, I've always had full, Mick Jagger type lips. Lately they've become a social embarassment though. Please help, anyone!
Though I'm White, I've always had full, Mick Jagger type lips. Lately they've become a social embarassment though. Please help, anyone!


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14 thoughts on “I Have Very Bad Breath”

  1. If the halitosis is chronic and severe, you should revamp your diet and also start using probiotics; probiotics are fairly cheap and available at many vitamin stores, pharmacies, etc. Use both the chewable kind along with the pill-form in unison.
    Chronic halitosis is generally caused by an overgrowth of certain microrganisms and bacterias in the gut. This is often caused by an overconsumption of various sugars, carbs, and especially various grains.
    You should cut as many carbs/sugars/grains out of your diet as possible for at least 1-3 months and see how it works, including wheat and especially bread (except in limited amounts, and then only whole grain bread), sugar cane products and corn syrup (use honey instead), pasta, potatoes, beer (except in limited amounts), rice, corn, and so forth. Oats are the best grains to eat if you have a ‘carb craving’ for them – eat a bowl of oatmeal with a bottle of beer (especially good dark ales) if you have a strong carb craving. Very dark chocolate that is sugar-free will also satisfy a gnawing carb craving.
    Chronic halitosis can also be caused by oversmoking of cigarettes/cigars (do you smoke tobacco?), overconsumption of sugary soda/coffee/etc, rampant tooth decay/rot (have you had your teeth checked lately…do you have a lot of open cavities?), and even sleeping all night/every night with your mouth open.
    Make sure to also exercise at least every other day; just a short but fairly rapid 30 minute-1 hour walk every other day is very good for the health. Walking will also improve the digestion if your sluggish/interrupted digestion is indeed part of the problem leading to the halitosis.

  2. Hey – was this just a joke post or something? Here I am offering health advice and now I’m not even sure if your post was serious or not.
    Also, it goes without saying that everyone should brush their teeth at least twice a day – brush once when you wake up, and then again right before you go to bed.
    Going to bed or falling asleep before brushing your teeth is especially bad for dental health in general and will cause all kind of dental problems in time.

  3. Hey – was this just a joke post or something?
    I think you need to look at that photo in the post very carefully, and then read the text again slowly.
    However, your recommendations are good. I am going to go brush my teeth right now.

  4. Are you having fun??? 🙂
    “If you’re in a boxing match, try not to let the other guy’s glove touch your lips, because you don’t know where that glove has been.”

  5. Reminds me of that old one, ” she was so ugly, if she was my dog I’d shave her ass and train her to walk backwards”.

  6. Here’s a good one I came across on ‘Common Dreams’. It’s slightly on topic:
    ” CAUTION!
    Dick Cheney is the source of a newly mutated HIV variant called “Hearing AIDS”.
    You get it from listening to assholes. “

  7. Brush thrice a day…after every meal…or twice after b’fast and dinner and chew sugar free gum after lunch (mouthwash is crap). Avoid sugary drinks. SEE A DENTIST, not an md. Godspeed

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