Humanzees

Repost from the old site. This article is 4 years old, but humanzees are back in the news these days, so I figured it’s time for a reprint.
Medical ethicist Jeremy Rifkin notes that scientists are pushing ethical frontiers again, in shades of the cloning debate. In this case, some crazy scientist injected human brain cells into mice fetuses. When the mice were born, the Supermice had a certain percentage of human brain cells. Weird, huh?
In the next phase of the mad scientist experiment, this same scientific k00k is going to try to create a mouse with 100% human brain cells!
The mad scientist, a guy named Irving Eichmann, I mean Irving Weissman, works at Stanford University, the top-notch US private school south of San Francisco in California. Disturbing questions arise. What if some of these Mousepeople take a clue from science fiction movies and escape the lab?
No worries, says mad scientist Weissman, if the Mousepeople show any signs of “humanness”, whatever that means, he will just kill them! Well, hey, that’s comforting! Not.
Weissman and other mad scientists involved in this sci-fi nonsense call their “field” Chimeric Experimentation (CE), after the part lion, part goat and part snake critter from Greek mythology. The CE folks are looking to combine all sorts of creatures in the lab for God knows what nutso reasons.
“Futurist” Pollyanna idiots are arguing that these freaks of nature will usher in a new “Golden Age of Medicine”. That’s because Mad Science wants to use these freaks in lab experiments, instead of the usual, normal-type animals.
Since these really wild humanimals will actually be part human, the results will be invaluable for us superior human critters. Hmm, wasn’t a fellow named Mengele working towards this same “noble” proposition?
The latest craze from the wild-eyed lab coat loonies in CE is called a “humanzee“. Yes, I am serious, you can stop laughing now. And no, there have not been any humanzees created yet, since George Bush does not count.
Bush just looks and acts like a chimp, he isn’t actually part-chimpanzee. Supposedly. Apparently. So they say. So they claim. Well, actually, it’s controversial. This humanzee thingie would be so human that it would throw our whole conception of our species into disarray.
Kinda like Lancelot Link, Secret Chimp, but way worse. Why do they want to make Chimpman? To play checkers, wear tophats, wear wire-rims, wear pince-nez, hold court, join Al Qaeda, walk a beat, wear fancy earrings, make bombs, or invent stuff?
Nope! So the mad scientists can experiment on them! You bastards! Shades of Mengele. Shiver. These SuperFreak Apemen would be so close to humans that any experimentation on them would involve serious ethical issues. Enough already!